What's Worse than Phantom in Manhattan?
by Kill Otto
Summary: THIS.
1. ProlougeDisclaimer: This

This.

Warning : Might make you laugh at how stupid this is.

Disclaimer: If x= Phantom, Y= Us, C=Christine Daae, A= Andrew Lloyd Webber, G=Gaston Leroux, then G=X +C= A(X+C+ Sarah Brightman)  Y

Yeah, we're math geniuses….

No we're not…

We write…

Kinda…

P. S. Comment if we must kill OTTO, the Turkish Van cat………

_OTTO_, We're _coming_ for you……*cue dramatic music*

Wikipedia Phantom if you want to know why…..


	2. The 57th Day

**Haha!~ The first chapter. Hope you all like!**

The 57th Day

"I hate you, Erik Destler" Christine yelled out. "I'm tired of picking up your clothes!"

"Stop being paranoid," He sighed, giving her the hand," I'm working on something,"

"This lair is stupid, cold, and I 'm tired." She yelled," And you're ALWAYS working on something!"

"Why don't you try to do all this?" She pointed to the lair/house/thingy they were living in." You seem to love your monkey more than me!"  
'I see, well, if you married that fop, you'd have maids and he'd have mistresses," He went on, "Erik too ugly, no mistress, much better,"

"UGHHHHHH!!!!!!!" She pulled on her long brown curls," You CONSTIPATED COW!!!!!!"

He quickly turned around with a confused expression.

" You were much hornier when you claimed to be my father , you retard!" She picked up the remains of his new opera.

"Christine, calm down," He stood up, let's go out for tea!" He said, in a weirdly cheerful voice.

"Tea??? This is not ENGLAND!!!!!!!!!!!" She let out again, knocking another candle down.

"Christine, are you?" He began, looking for his book of the female body," On your period? It says here that women have mood swings, feel bloated, and go through a magical phase of womanhood," With that being said, Erik broke into song.

(Tune to Think of Me)

_When you're a woman, _

_My oh my,_

_It's such a thrill,_

_To be swept off my feet by men,_

_And the crowds turn to see _

_ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

With a wave of her hand, Christine walked away," I don't ever want to see your face again!"

"Dearie! It's our '57th day of our wedding' anniversary! I made tarts! They're lemon!"

"I just couldn't see why I married that freak!" Christine paced back and forth as Meg Giry listened, then she giggled," Who's totally hot! You should hear what happened in bed a few days ago, I -----------"

"NOOOOOOOOOO! I don't need to hear anything!" Meg put her hands over her ears, as Christine's smile turned to a frown.

" Well at least someone married you!" She sighed, "You had two suitors at the same time,"

"Shut up, Meg, this is about me, not you!" She turned to face the young ballerina.

Pushing her hair out of her face, Meg looked up with despair.

Madame Giry then walked into the room.

"Guess what, I got promoted!" She smiled.  
"WOOHOO! What are you now?" Meg asked her mother.

"Firmin's wife!" She let out a squeal, as Meg's jaw dropped.

"What?" Two voices came in.

And they jumped into a song, twirling around the couch.

(Tune to Notes)

MEG

_How could this happen to_

_Me, _

_I thought I was hot!_

_At least, they made me_

_In the _

_2004SchumacherPhantomFilmStarringGerardButlerTheHotScot_

_My mother's getting married!_

_Am I delirious._

_Mother, this is 1881!_

_This cant be right_

_You're a widow_

_My best friend's married to a man _

_Who's like the light!_

_And my mother sank so low…_

FIRMIN

_How dare you!_

_I am wealthy_

_And own the _

_Whole _

_Dang_

_Opera house_

MEG

_Is that a reason?_

MAMDAME GIRY

_Hey, well I guess_

_I'm no longer a Giry_

_Oh, Firmin_

_I larve you!_

CHRISTINE

_And I thought this story was about meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!! _

_Cadenza time… Ah ah ah ah ah ah aha ahh AHHH _

_MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!_

FIRMIN/MEG/MADAME GIRY

_Oh _

_Shut Up!_

**Comment! Please!!! It makes Erik happy!**


	3. RaoulErikRaoulMegRaoulErik!

**FLASHBACK!!! Drum roll please…:**

_This is while Raoul and Christine are sailing away in the gondola…_

CHRISTINE:

_Say you'll love me every waking moment_

RAOUL:

_Say the word and I will follow you…_

_Anywhere you go I will go too…_

_Meg, that's all I ask of you!!!!!_

"What!" Christine shouted.

Raoul looked back at her confused. "What?" he echoed

"You sang MEG!" Christine shrieked, " Why the hell did you say Meg? I'm not Meg! I'm Christine!". She paused, "Are you cheating on me?!?!"

"NO! No, no, ,no, no! I didn't do anything… It's just uhhhh."

"It's just _what_ Raoul!?"

"Well she is kinda hot…but that's it! I never cheated on you! I looooooooooove you"

"Oh shut up!"

Raoul breaks in to song to the tune of All I ask of you:

RAOUL

_Christine, Christine_

_No more talk of cheating_

_I never did a thing_

_It's Meg!_

_She seduced me!_

CHRISTINE

_All I want was _

_You and me_

_Now that _

_Blond's got YOU?!_

_And I've got_

_Some dude in the basement_

RAOUL

_Forgive me, that's all I ask of you! Christine?_

"There's your name!" He told her," See, I didn't forget!"

"So you did cheat on ME!" She yelled.

"No, well, we um , made out… Once!" He looked helplessly at her.

"When?"

"You know, that scene where I disappeared? During the masquerade scene? When I was 'going to the bathroom,'" He did the quoting finger thingy.

"You were with Meg?" Christine asked, not noticing that the gondola had stopped.

" No, She cornered me," Raoul explained.

"How the hell did she corner you, she's just a ballet rat!" She told him.

"Well, I told you, she _seduced_ me" Raoul continued.

"And you let her?" Her voice rising another octave,

"And why are you mad at me. She's _your_ best friend."

"I can't believe it!" Her voice rose several more octaves, to the point where people over forty wouldn't be able to hear it.

"Well, you just kissed _him" _Raoul said, referring to Erik, "and don't tell me it was all acting during 'Point of No Return'" He did the talk-to-the-hand-thing.

"I did that to save your life so I could be with you!" She screamed, pushing him into Erik's pee water.

Then she jumped into the pee water herself, running towards Erik's voice which seemed to be crescendoing.

ERIK

_It's over now, THE MUSIC OF THE N___

CHRISTINE

_ERIIIIIIIIIIIIKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!_

What the, Christine?" Erik stood bewildered.

"I'm back!" She tried to sound cheerful.

"What are you doing here," Erik immediately let go of the Christine mannequin.

CHRISTINE (SPOKEN)

Well, you see…

CHRISTINE (to the tune of Much Better by the Jonas Brothers)

_I got a rep for breaking hearts_

_And all the tears on your organ_

_Not the human body one_

_I'm not stupid_

_But now I see_

_Everything I'd ever need_

_Is the sexy disfigured man in front of me_

_You're much better_

_I wanna fight with you_

_Tear up this opera house_

_With you_

_You're much better_

_Oooohh_

_Make up with you _

_TONIGHTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!_

CHRISTINE (spoken)

Get me now?

Erik began to think of a good Erik reaction. He decided the most Erik thing to do is to reply by singing.

ERIK (to the tune of I Feel Pretty from West Side Story)

_I feel pretty!_

_I feel pretty!_

_I feel pretty and witty and HANDSOME!_

_Yes! I feel appreciated._

_For I'm loved by a hot, young chick!_

"Will you marry me now?" He sang, pulling out the ring she returned to him just minutes ago.

Christine hesitated, thinking of Raoul, then Meg, then of Raoul again.

"Of course, I love you!" Christine giggled.

"Let us proceed," He started to pick her up.

"What?" Christine asked.

"You know, the joys of the flesh, consummating the marriage?" Erik looked super eager.

"We're not married yet." She looked confused.

"Damn. Well, let's go! You're in a wedding dress!" Erik looked at her, then pictured her naked and began snickering.

"But it's ruined. Eriky! I can't possibly look like this!" She pouted.

"Fine, but we're getting married after we get your dress," He rolled his eyes.

"But I want to get married on the hills!" She complained.

"Of Scotland!" She piped in.

"HUH?" Erik asked.

"Well, after watching the 2004 movie, I kinda fell in love with Scottish guys." Christine explained.

"But, he's not me," He looked at her.

"Yeah, he is, deal with it! Along with all you anti-movie people reading this!" Christine explained, "He sings, wears weird outfits, totally You!"

"I'm not Scottish!" He went into an Erik tantrum moment.

"And I want my Madame Giry to be there!" She giggled.

"She was supposed to be my best man!" Erik looked at her.

"Ok, then," Erik looked at her.

"Well?" She questioned.

"What?" Erik looked fully irritated now.

"Can I kiss you?" She looked at his beautiful disfigured face.

"AHHHH, YES! I mean yeah, course," He pulled out his mint spray and Christine practically jumped on him.

Erik ended the kiss with a huge grin.

"Gotta design my wedding mask!" He winked at her and all the phangirls (and phanguys) screamed.

**END OF FLASHBACK, PART 1**

**Ello, Spot here. Well...this chapter was mostly written by Cheerios, I mostly commented and made up a couple lines. Yeah, I know, a lot of dialoge. I love dialoge. So deal with it!**

**COMMENT. PLEASE. We're not trying to sound desperate (though we do), but we want your honest (kinda) opinions.**

**REVIEW!! It makes Erik happy( and come on, don't you want him to be happy?) and Raol loose seven thousand frances every time you review (no offence to Raoul lovers).**


	4. Dum Dum DaDum

**Flashback, Part 2!!!**

_The Wedding_

Everything was perfect. Except for the groom, just kidding. We LUUUUURRVE you, Erik! Damn, you're married! Squeal! Well, to Christine it was perfect. Erik practically worshipped the ground she stepped on and her too. One night, while she was getting herself some wine from his extensive wine collection, she saw him on the ground in front of a shrine with sketches of her,( we won't mention how appropriate they were,) crouched in a fetal position. He kept whispering," Thank you, thank you," He stood up, "thank YOUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!" He bellowed out in his baritone/tenor voice. Kill Otto. Never mind.

Madame Giry fixed her corset and looked at the blushing bride.

"Oh, thanks for letting Erik stalk me. I'm so happy we found each other!" She pulled the ballet mistress into a hug.

"Christine, I have something to tell you," She sighed, fidgeting with Christine's curls.

"What? IS it a wedding present?" Christine asked, giddy.

Suddenly, the lights dim and a single spotlight lands on Madame Giry.

MADAME GIRY (to the tune of Mamma Mia)

_I was dragged into this_

_And I think you know when_

_SO I made up my mind it must come to an end_

_Look at me now_

_My daughter's a slut_

MEG

_Hey!_

MADAME GIRY

_Well, you got to admit it._

_Read those stories on Fan Fiction_

_And you're paired with Erik_

_Raoul_

_Even PIANGI!!!!!!!_

_But that's not the story _

INSTRUMENTAL

_So here's what I'm gonna tell _

_You!_

_We're not in Scotland!_

"What!" Christine looked at the lush green hills outside the window of the church.

"It's true, touch it," Madame Giry nodded at the windows.

Christine touched it and put her arm through it. The windows were paintings, and a poor ones too.

"OMFG!" She began to cry.

Madame Giry walked outside with a sigh.

"How did she take it?" Erik questioned, looking at his reflection. His mask was very pretty today. It matched the way the sunshine hit Christine's hair, as Erik says.

ERIK (Reprise of I Feel Pretty)

_Today is my wedding day_

_And I feel perfectly fine_

_See that pretty mask, see that pretty Christine!_

_I feel pretty_

_Oh so Pretty_

_It's alarming how pretty I am _

_Add a smile_

_And you're sure to faint at the sight of me_

CHORUS

_In a good way_

ERIK

_This is MAH solo!!!! Don't make me go all SPARTA on you!_

_I'm getting married!_

Fast-forward to wedding ceremony because the rest is crap….

Christine cried. Her father couldn't walk her down the aisle. Madame Giry was claimed the best man already. Her Maid of Honor and her were having issues, and Raoul was sitting in the back with his mother, who was laughing inside with relief that her son didn't marry a chorus girl.

So Erik walked her down the aisle. Isn't that weird. Like totally!

That confused a lot of attendees, considering that Erik could be old enough to be her father.

They walked down the aisle decorated with roses and ribbons. Christine's dress was spectacular, a big drop at her back, now bare, with her chocolate brown curls in a bun. The wedding march sounded too elaborate because Erik wrote it, just for his special day.

They stood before the pastor, and Erik murmured something poetic that confused Christine, she thought something was wrong with her hair. After changing a LOT of words and Erik reading his REALLY long and musical vows ( he cried twice), they said "I do."

Erik couldn't believe it! His thin fingers wrapped around her waist, and he lifted her veil.

"I love you," He whispered, his kiss sending a wave of shocks down her spine. She took it all PG13 and it turned into some tongue fest. The audiences cheered as Christine then took off his mask.

"That's why I took your mask off the second time, you bozo!" She smiled.

Everyone gasped at his face, Raoul letting out a girlish yell. Together, they ran down the aisle, as Christine threw her bouquet of red roses, hurting a bunch of people and falling into the arms of…

Madame Giry!

She screamed and threw it at Raoul's head, which bounced off and landed in the arms of Carlotta. Piangi then proposed to her. And everyone cheered again.

Meanwhile, Erik and Christine were off to their honeymoon. Erik couldn't wait to get into her pants, scratch that, dress. They were going to…

Well, nowhere, they were going to go home (his lair) and do it all day. And night. And in the morning. And everywhere. Erik had a map ready. Erik even got special lotions.

"I'm gonna have SEX!!!!!!!" He yelled out the horse carriage. Everyone stared at him.

"FOR THE FIRST TIME!" he continued, as everyone still stared.

"WITH AN ACTUAL PERSON!" And everyone ran away, covering their ears.

Being hyper as he was, he knocked the carriage man off and raced back to the lair.

CHRISTINE (to the tune of Down Once More)

_Down once more to the dungeon _

_That I partially own_

_Down we plunge to the pretty swan bed_

_Down once more into a kingdom of _

_SEXXXXXXXXXXX_

_And SEXY men! And my heart began to _

_Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaacccccceeeeee. _

That sidetracked Erik.

"I forgot, your singing lessons." He halted, "We must begin."

**It's me Spot. Once again, Cheerios wrote most of this chapter (all of it really) while I laughed my face off as she wrote it. **


	5. Cat?

**Hello readers (if there are any)! Dis iz chaptah four!**

**Because I don't feel like writing down in detail Erik's and Christine's surely eye-burning honeymoon… I shall summarize what has happened from where we had left off in the flash back…**

**Ok um…where did it leave off… Erik and Christine do what every married couple does on their honeymoon. And yes they did it all day, and all night, and everywhere, for two weeks straight! (Uuuughhh … shudder. Annoyed sigh. That's what you get when you put the almost-40-year-old virgin with a hormonal teenager). They did have a few singing lessons in between their uhh activities, but Erik's choice of songs (for example: Point of no Return) didn't exactly help them concentrate if you know what I mean. GAHHH!! I'm getting into detail!!**

**Onward!**

**Somehow Christine gets over Meg's involvement with Raoul (rolls eyes) and they are bestie friendies again! Yay!! Christine still hasn't forgiven Erik for not taking her to Scotland. Now Madame Giry is married to Firmin (ahh!) and Erik and Christine are getting used to married life.**

**Is that a good enough summarization. Yes? Then…to the present! (If you call the 1800s the present)**

Christine was nagging him again. Last time was about his mess and he didn't even bother trying to decipher what she was saying now. They hadn't even been married for two months and he felt as if they've been married for twenty years! Well not exactly, he thought. First of all, he had a wife! Second, she was hot. Three, the sex was fantastic. And four, when she wasn't complaining she was everything he could've imagined.

It was just her nagging. He needed to stop to stop her incessant whining! What was she even talking about anyway?

"…. to Scotland! How could you lie to me like that?! It has been my dream to be married there and you just blow it off! And now I'm stuck in this stupid basement! Don't you know how--"

" Sweetheart," Erik interrupted, " I'm sorry tha--"

"Oh don't you sweetheart me! And your not sorry about anything! If you were _sorry_," she sneered the word, "then you would do something about it!!" She glared at him.

Erik looked around nervously, hoping she was glaring at someone else.

"Of course, of course my love," he started toward the organ, "how about I write you a song?"

"I don't want a song! I want something to do!"

"Well, we could…" he said hopefully.

"No"

He played a chord, "Singing lessons?"

"We already do that" she reminded him, "and what's the point of the stupid lessons if I'm not going to sing on stage?! I already told you, I need something to do, something to take care of,…besides you!"

"I-"

CHRISINE (to the tune of Gives You Hell)

_I wake up every morning_

_With a big frown on my face_

_I don't know why that is_

_Even though the sex is great_

_I never get sick of it_

_Truth be told _

_You're boring_

_And truth be told_

_I'm not lying_

_When you see my face_

_I'm gonna give you hell_

_Gonna give you hell_

Ok I'm done.

"You sure?" Erik asked

"Ummm…wait a moment…. Yeah I'm done."

"Okay…. So uhh your bored?" he asked.

"That's what I've been saying!"

"Ok ok… you could clean?"

"I already do that!"

"Really? You do?!"

"YES!!! Can't you tell?!"

"Uhh… no?"

"GAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!"

"Christine!!!! Please stop! Your making me go deaf!"

Christine's frustrated yell grew higher, and higher, and higher, and higher still!

"Christine_. _Please. Stop." _What do girls like? Bows? ? Cats? A cat!_ "Christine? How about a cat? Would you like a cat?"

Christine's shrieking stopped with a croak. "A cat?" She echoed.

"Yes, a cat. You said you wanted to take care of something so how about a cat."

"Yes, I did say that…how should I react to this?"

"You could try being elated." Erik suggested.

"Fine… Yaaayy! A cat!! I'm getting a ca-at! I'm getting a ca-at!" She started to skip around the dungeon, singing songs from _Cats _and actually cleaning up.

Erik, satisfied that he has fulfilled his husbandly duties left his layer to get Christine her cat.

_A cat. That wont be so bad. They don't bark like dogs, _he thought.

**Soooooo....how's chapter four? This chappie was written by me, Spot (with no help from Cheerios! Woo!). Is it funny? Hope so.**

**Review! Por favor! Erik wil send you cookies if you do and Raoul will go bald!**


	6. Ayesha

**Hello person reading this.... well uhhh, keep reading!**

_Chapter 5 Ayesha_

Purr purr purr…..

"Away, I am composing "Amnita's Return from The Point of No Return"! " Erik shooed the Turkish cat away.

Purr purr purr…

"SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Erik overreacted as the kitty jumped onto his music.

"Hey, hey, hey! OFF the untouchables!" He pointed at his precious music, and then grabbed the kitty by its pink collar.

"Tell me, do I look like some sixty year old menopausal man who is attempting to write a sequel to one of the most famous musicals in the whole world?!?" Erik screamed at the cat, which only meowed, bored.

"Oh, don't think you can act all the puss-in-boots-from-Shrek's cute doggy pouty face, you feline!" Then the cat did the unthinkable. I'll give you a hint. It was yellow. And all over Erik's new opera.

ERIK (to the tune of Stranger than You Dreamt It)

Damn you, you little evil Medusa!

You! You uh…um…

Little lying Delilah!

No that's not it…

ERIK (spoken)

Wait, getting off the music

ERIK (sped up)

DAMN YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!

CUUUUUUUUUUUURSE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Oh…Evil Pet

Stranger Than I thought

Can I even bear to look

Of my beautiful music

Which once was perfect, smelled like her, without a doubt

perfect

But

You (points finger at cat)

Ruined my music!

OTTO

Meow…

ERIK

Cuurrse you!

Sighing and maybe crying, Erik picked up the papers. He crouched into a fetal position. Purring, the cat crawled into Erik, placing its furry paw on it. Then he realized the mistake. Otto was a she. Christine didn't notice. Sighing he looked through his books of the female body, carefully labeled as PONR so Christine didn't notice. AHA! It was!

"I dub you Ayesha!" He smiled at the cat, pulling it into a hug. He yanked off the tag that read Otto and smiled at the cat he now called Ayesha. The second…

What could he say? Cats are proven to be manipulative. Christine might have never found out his fond obsessions of cats.

Before the whole obsessed with a girl half his age and young enough to be my daughter IF he wasn't a virgin, Erik was just the average single male. Obsessed with reading either comics about superheroes or coughPcoughOcoughRcoughNcough….doing drugs…like Morphine. He snickered at those happy times.

But he also had a cat he was very fond of. And she was very beautiful. He used to play dress up with it and everything! But as you know, this fan fiction does not bash Erik. But Raoul…

So stupid-I'm-so-scared-and-I-have-a-girly-complexion-Leroux Raoul accidentally shot the cat because he thought it was Erik.

Pshhhh… Erik is NOT cat woman in anyway. I repeat, he is not. Though here are some evidence.

-He climbs up a freaking tall statue faster than Raoul and Christine could climb up to the roof in 1925 silent film

-He prances around the opera house, quietly.

-wears tight black clothing

-particularly domesticated

-and VEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRY cute!

"Erik, dear? Where's my Otto?" Christine walked in on Erik hugging the cat protectively.

"Her name is Ayesha!" He broke into song.

ERIK (to the tune of Maria from West Side Story)

Ayesha!

I just got my love back

And suddenly the cat

I hate so very much

Is cool

Ayesha

I just got my cat back

And she's such a pretty cat

I'll say!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ayesha, Ayesha, AYESHA!!!!!!!!

Erik smiled fondly at his very confused wife.

**This here chapter was written Cheerios. SOmeone review! Please....Pretty please? At least say you read it...**

**Erik likes it...**


	7. Christine vs Ayesha

**Ello mates! Thanks for all the reviews. It's so niiiice to know people other than me and Cheerios think this is funny. Well, here's chapter six! Enjoy!**

_Chapter Six Christine vs. Ayesha Halloween Spectacular!!! _

Christine watched as Erik played dress up with_ Ayesha._ The cat was obviously annoyed, but Erik had a good grip on the cat and was smiling through all the scratches the cat was inflicting upon him. Christine was jealous. Like there is some wacko green eyed monster dude possessing her. Not kidding.

_That stupid cat_, she thought, _all he does is talk to it and play dress up with it. And why does he call it Ayesha? His name is Otto! It's my cat, not his. Mine, mine, MINE!!!!If only he would separate himself from the cat then I'll finally be able to tell him…_

Erik was of course, happily oblivious to his wife's mental curses. Ayesha was giving him a couple scratches here and there, but he just knew that his beautiful, wonderful new Ayesha would warm up to him in no time. He was feeling a tad guilty that his equally wonderful wife was not playing dress up with them and decided to ask her to join them. "Christine my love, would you like to play dress up with me and—"

"No! All you do is play with that cat and I really want to talk to you and… and the cat is mine anyway."

"But—"

"And you even changed his name too. His name is Otto not Ayesha!"

"But she's a fem—"

"He is a boy, his name is Otto, he is not your wife, and he is my cat!"

"Well uh Christine, if you just check you can see that _Otto_ is a girl, and of course she is not my wife! You are my darling!" Erik said quickly, afraid he would be cut off again.

Christine's eyes filled cheesily with tears. "Do you mean it?"

"Of course I do my love." Erik said, confused but glad by her sudden mood change. "Why would I not?"

"I larve you, Erik!"

"I love you too!" They ran to each other's arms and did all that mushy deserves-to-be-done-in-the-rain kissing.

"OOOOWWWWW!" Christine pulled away from Erik looking down at her bodice "Why the (inappropriate word) are you still holding that retched cat!"

Erik looked down to his arms and low and behold! Ayesha was there with small fragments of Christine's dress in its paws. He held the angry cat to his chest, hugging it closer. Before Erik could defend himself **(like he could, ha!) **Christine went over to him and snatched the cat out of his arms. Ayesha quickly scuttled away, hoping to find some fresh fop meat, oops!, cat food. Erik started to follow his beloved cat when he felt a breeze on his head. He turned around and saw Christine left hand on her hip glaring at him.

And in her right hand was his wig**. ( WIG! WIG! WIG!WIG!WIG!WIG!WIG! Erik wears a wig! Now where have I seen this before? Hint hint Dario Argento's phantom) **

His hand flew to his head, grasping the little tufts of hair which rested upon it. He, like many men, did not like the fact that he was almost bald or as he says "thinning".

**(Sure sure Erik your hair is "thinning". Awwwww isn't he so cute when he's insecure? Awwwwww!!) Onward.**

"Where are you going?" she asked dangerously.

"Errr….."

"I don't want that cat here anymore Erik. Get rid of it!"

"But I can't"

"It's me or the cat Erik."

"But—"

"BUT!?!?!" there goes her mosquito pitched screaming again.

Erik sighed. He smiled at his silly wife. "Yes Christine, _but_. It's not a very hard word. It is a coordinating conjunction."

"GAHHHH!!"

The lights dimmed. A low roar was heard, then grew louder and louder. And then…game show music?

A spot light appeared and in it was a man in a sparkly yellow suit. It got worse when he started to talk.

"Hellloooooooo eveeeerybodyyy! Welcome to the new hit game show It's Me or the Cat! And I'm Freddy F. your faaaabulous host." Christine and Erik stared dumbly at Freddy F, not noticing that they too had spotlights on them. Or that the roar they were hearing was the cheers of a live studio audience.

"Today is our speeectacular Halloween episode! A Halloween Spectacular! And in honor of Halloween we're having this episode…drum roll please…", a drum roll was heard, "under the Paaaris opera house! Now isn't that spooooky!?" The audience cheered. "And today's contestants aaare…the lovely Christine and Ayesha the Turkish Van. And of course, what would our show be without a hunky guy for our contestants to fight to the death for? And we've got the hunkiest and the spooookkiest guy around this opera house. The Phantom himself, Eeerik Destleeeeer! Let's give them a round of applause!"

"WOOOOO!" the audience cheered.

A big tough lookin guy came out of nowhere and dragged Erik in a little cubicle and gave him a piece of paper and a purple crayon. Erik started drawing a picture as the tough looking dude dragged Christine to a chair outside of Erik's cubicle. Another tough lookin guy came out with a shrieking cage and placed the cage on the chair next to Christine. Ayesha was inside.

The spotlights were on them. Erik was immersed with his drawing of a cat. Christine was furious. Ayesha meowed.

The game has begun.

"Fiiiiiiirst question!" Freddy F. started, "What do you think is the best part of my book? Christine?"

"Errrrrr…your book?" Christine asked bewildered.

"Yes my book. The Phantom of Maaaaanhatten! What doooo you think of it?"

"IT SUCKS!!!!" shouted a random person in the audience.

"Ok, never mind. Neeeeext question!!" Freddy F said hurriedly, "Do you think Erik strongly resembles Cat Woman? Christine?"

Christine was still quite furious about her predicament when she answered, "NO, but he'll end up sounding like her when I'm through throttling his windpipe!" she glared through the wall of Erik's cubicle.

"What!" Erik exclaimed

"You heard me."

"Alriiiiight! Uhhhh…Ayesha? What is your answer?" Freddy F continued.

"Meow"

The audience cheered! "Go Ayesha!"s were heard.

"Laaaast question and then our bachelor Erik—"

"He is most defiantly NOT a bachelor!" Christine interrupted.

"—will make his choice. Then we'll see if it's _her_ or the _cat_!"

More game show music played.

"Now, here's the last question: Why should Erik choose yoouuu!? Ayesha, your first."

"MeowmeowmeOW!!"(translation: I don't care. Why the hell am I here?! Your all a bunch of hormonal water bags. Let me out!)

Erik started tearing up, "Really Ayesha? Your so wonderful!"

The audience went "Awwwww!"

One fat guy in the back ripped open his shirt to reveal the name Ayesha written in paint on his chest. "I love you Ayesha!!" he shouted.

"Uh oh Christine!", Freddy F. said, "Ayesha has the audience's hearts and possibly…the heart of your man. Christine, why should Erik choose you?

"I'm pregnant." she said bluntly.

"OK! I choose her!" Erik said quickly.

**I wrote this chapter ALL by myself. I think. Who cares, I'm proud of myself. In case you don't know, I'm Spot. Next chapter will be written by Cheerios. **

**Comment! Review! We love you guys, but how can we brag about you guys if we don't know your name? C'mon, Erik likes it.**

**Happy Halloween everybody!**


	8. Prego, Giry's Woes and 6ft Blonde

**Allo, Spot here. Not much to say right now. Enjoy this wonderful chappie!**

_Pregos, Giry's Woes and Six Foot Blonde _

Suddenly it was only Erik, Christine, and the cat. The cat meowed, Christine glared, and Erik went...

"What?!?!"

"Yeah, you heard me. " She stared at her husband.

"Meow…Meow" The cat purred. And Erik got distracted.

"Ahh…Ayesha…What is it?" Erik bent down to pick up the cat, as Christine lethally grabbed his arm.

"Stay away from mah kitty, you demonic GIRL," She screamed, kicking the cat in a rampage.

"Excuse me, darling! " Erik turned his attention back to his wife in fear.

"Did you comprehend anything I just said? Instead you're pampering that cat as if HE was the queen of Persia?" She retorted, "You don't even care, do you?"

"Yes, I do. You are pregnant! But how is that even possible? We've only had sex like 184 times in the past 71 days. Aren't you on some sort of birth control?"

"Uh…no, We don't have birth control, unless you want me to put those goat intestines crap on you!"

"Meeow…" Translation: Those are some baaad Trojans.

"I'm going to be a father!" Erik waved his hands in the air, "Oh my, Christine! How far along are you?"

"Um, I don't know,"

"When did you last get your menstrual cycle?"

"Erik, this is very uncomfortable,"

"Oh, you can tell me! I'm your husband and I should know what's going on down there."

"And I'm your wife. You shouldn't be treating my cat like a princess."

" I have a son, a son!" Erik began rubbing Christine's stomach.

"Seeeeeee, I knew this was how he would react! " Freddy F suddenly popped up and began quoting his book," My life was not in vain--"

"Shut up," Erik growled like the hot Spartan king he though he was.

"Erik, I've only been pregnant for like two months, I can't feel it…" Christine giggled, happy that her husband's attention was drawn back to her.

"Why? Why am I given a son?" Erik got down on his knees, "He is destined to carry my name!"

"Yes, he is dear, but you know it might be a girl," She shrugged. "And everyone knows that the readers won't read anything that doesn't involve a pregnant teen."

"What readers?" Erik questioned, whooshing his cape unnecessarily.

"Erik, honestly, are you really that dimwitted?" Christine gave Ayesha a secret I'm-watching-you-comma-stay-away-from-mah-sexy-man look.

"Is there something I should be catching on?" Erik looked around the lair. Then he gasped, "I knew it!"

Then he began launching Christine's pink lingerie into the water.  
"What the freak are you doing?!" She squealed as they fell into the water.

"You used those to seduce me!" Erik yelled.

"Yeah, well, weren't YOU the sex crazed maniac?" She hurried to pick up the lacy little bits Erik found difficult to identify flying around his lair. "Hey! Hey, those are flammable!" As it fell on Erik's lavender scented candles. "Real mature, Erik! You know burning bras are for girls?"

Erik ignored her as Ayesha dodged the rainfall of underwear.

"Why are you ruining my sexy Victoria's Secret lingerie??" She squealed.

"Because they don't look good on me!" Erik was screaming in frustration.

"What are you talking about?" Christine asked.

"I don't know what I'm doing but I'm turning myself on," He batted his eyelashes at her." Let's go do it."

"Screw you, I'm going on Facebook!" Christine walked away.

"Facebook?" Erik was very confused, and then he shrugged. Deciding to retrieve her underwear, he grabbed his scuba gear and decided to go act like a mermaid.

MEANWHILE…

Let's go back to the Firmin family! (To the tune of Addams Family!)

"Firmin!" Madame Giry called to her new husband.

"Don't bother me woman! I'm working on my memoir!" Firmin waved her away.

Sighing, the ballet mistress broke into song and assuming the song choice, it was weird in her fake French accent.

MADAME GIRY (to the tune of Hot n' Cold by Katy Perry)

You change your mind like Carlotta changes wigs

Yeah, you PMS like

Well

Carlotta again…

I should know

You're such a wimp

Always scared of O.G

I should know that you're not gonna chaaaange!

YEAH!

Cause you're hot then you're cold

You're yes then you're no

You're in then you're out

We used to be just like twins, so in sync

The same energy is now a dead prostitute

I should know that you're not gonna change

INSTRUMENTAL

"And that's my solo!" Madame Giry looked slightly drunk as she took her bow.

"So if you want to see me perform Lady Gaga, turn your attention to ME!"

Firmin immediately turned around.

Sometime later…

Erik scrolls his computer screen down as he discovered the beauty of being online.

Clicking on the search engine, he typed in Facebook. A ginormous list popped up and Erik clicked on the first one in confusion. Looking around, he found another search bar and typed in Christine Destler.

He clicked on the first few to read about the some nerd who is trying to decide if she should go with some Ethan to some Homecoming dance. Ergh…not her.

Then he discovered some phanatic living in the United States who proclaimed her love of Erik. About to click off, he looked at one more. Christine Daae. This was what her profile read.

_Hey, my name is Christine and I'm seventeen years old now! I'm married to my Angel , Erik, who I love with all my heart. "_ Erik sniffled, then looked confused at the weird symbols, " _33 I live in the Paris Opera House and my interests include singing and dancing. I am a daddy's girl. I also love Edward Cullen. _J

"Edward?! Who the hell is this Edward? Meet your fate with the Punjab!" Erik muttered as he scrolled down further.

_Christine Daae has 61 friends._

Click

_Madame Giry_

_Andre_

_Firmin_

_Ubaldo Piangi_

_Carlotta Giudecielli_

_Raoul de Chagny_

Raoul de freaking Chagny?? What the *%^ was he doing on her list of friends?

Reading her randomness was strangely addictive though.

_Hey everybody! I found out I am two months pregnant!_

_Hey its me again and im so excited to be with child_

_Will it look like erik? Or like me?_

_Sigh…me so bored…_

Gasp! She's bored.

Five hours later, Erik clicked on Sign Up. Finding out he had to have an email account, he decided to be sexybeastdjtriumphant123 on his email.

Finding it difficult to figure out what to type in his profile, he decided to sing while he lied ferociously.

_The name's Destler. Erik Destler…_

_I am six foot tall, have wavy blond hair, green eyes, a six pack, and a killer smile. Did I add that I have the voice of an angel? Too bad I'm taken. Peace._

Satisfied, he wrote on his wall for the first time.

_I love my cat, Ayesha._

ERIK ( to the tune of Online by Brad Paisley)

I work down below the opera house

And I drive an gondola

I still live under the basement

I'm deformed and skinny ass

I'm an opera fanatic, mildly devoted

Been a virgin until now

But there's a whole 'nother me

That you need to see

Go check out Facebook

'Cause online I'm out in Paris streets

I'm six foot five and I look damn good

I ride a carriage; I'm a black belt in karate

And I love a good glass of wine

It turns girls on that I'm mysterious

I tell 'em I don't want nothing serious

'Cause even on a slow day I can have a three-way chat

With two women at one time.

I'm so much cooler online

I'm so much cooler online.

I get home I kiss my wife

And she fixes me a snack

Cookie!

I head down to my basement bedroom

And fire up my Mac

In real life the only time

I've ever even been upstairs

Was when I got the chance to kill off everyone?

But online I live in Persia

I pose for Opera Weekly

I've been in GQ

I'm smexy and I'm rich

And I got a set of six-pack abs that would blow your mind

It turns girls on that I'm mysterious

I tell 'em I don't want nothing serious

'Cause even on a slow day I can have a three-way chat

With two women at one time.

I'm so much cooler online

Yeah, I'm cooler online.

When you've got my kind of stats

It's hard to get a date

Let alone a live girlfriend

But I grow another foot and gain a bunch of weight

Every time I log in.

I'm so much cooler online

Yeah, I'm cooler online.

"I love the Internet!" Erik yelled out. Oh boy…

**This here chapter was written by Cheerios. All hail Cheerios! She is the awsomest friend. Drop a review for her.**


	9. Friends and Bad Shades of Purple

**Hello my darling readers! Chirp…chirp….**

**Sorry if I'm late. Had a hard time writing this chappie so enjoy it, hate it, but please just read it.**

_Friends and Bad Shades of Purple_

Click

Click click.

Ckickity click click.

!!!!!

"Stop that!"

Erik looked confusedly at his wife. '"Stop what Christine?"

"Stop that incessant typing! You have been on that computer all day! I get that you're excited about the baby, but it would be nice if you didn't have to stay all _day _telling complete strangers about it!" Christine rubbed her four moth old baby bump in agitation.

"They are not strangers love." Erik kept typing as he spoke, "They are my _friends. _I have so many _friends _Christine. It is hard to stay away."

"Aren't I your friend?"

"Of course my darling!" He reassured, still updating his MySpace.

"Okay!" Christine smiled and pranced off into some region of the lair she only knew about.

"Phew!" Erik wiped off the imaginary sweat from the forehead of his mask. He looked to the computer screen where he was IM-ing .

**BLUEJewelsOnCHEEK**: Hey man, wats up?

**SexyBeastDJTriumphant123**: Nothing much my acquaintance. My lovely wife was having one of her mood swings but the problem was resolved.

**BLUEJewelsOnCHEEK**: oooh, mood swangs. Dat sucks dude.

**SexyBeastDJTriumphant123**: It is not so bad. She is still quite young and I am quite acquainted with her teenage hormones.

**BLUEJewelsOnCHEEK**: how young is your wife man? Is she hot?

**SEXYBEASTDJTRIUMPHANT123**: My wife is very beautiful and I am lucky to have her (you have no idea), so BACK OFF!

**BLUEJewelsOnCHEEK**: srry man. Just asking. I have a girlfriend.

**SexyBeastDJTriumphant123**: I forgive you. I am very possessive, scratch that, protective of my wife. You have a girlfriend? Judging from your screen name I thought you played for the uh…cough…other team.

**BLUEJewelsOnCHEEK**: F---k no! Why would you think that?!

**SextBeastDJTriumphant123**: Blue jewels on cheek? That sounds like a screen name for a guy who works at an exotic gay bar.

**BLUEJewelsOnCHEEK**: Exotic gay bar!?!? Wat!? Hey!, your screen name ain't as straight as a ruler either _sexy beast dj triumphant_! And wat do _u _know bout an exotic gay bar?

**SexyBeastDJTriumphant123**: (I know nothing about any kind of gay bar) MY screen name describes me perfectly. Think about it, I've only been married for not even five months and my wife is ALREADY pregnant. AND she is four months along!...ha!

**BLUEJewelsOnCHEEK**: dat just means ur a horny little Animal.

**SexyBeastDJTriumphant123**: Yes I am horny, no I am not a bastard (my parents were married I am sure) and like I told the shah's mother in Susan Kay's _ Phantom, _I doubt I would fit in a _small _jar. And…err..Animal?

**BLUEJewelsOnCHEEK**: wat the Shiz does that mean?! Shah's mom? Kay? Small jar? And nevermind on the Animal thing!

**SexyBeastDJTriumphant123**: You know what? I'm sorry. I had no reason to label you. I don't care if you are gay.

**BLUEJewelsOnCHEEK**: dude, im not gay

**SexyBeastDJTriumphant123**: Okay then. Sorry again.

**BLUEJewelsOnCHEEK**: It's okay. Look…I need 2 go. My girlfriend needs help with her flying monkeys. Bye

**SexyBeastDJTriumphant123**: Flying monkeys? Ok…farewell my friend!

**BLUEJewelsOnCHEEK**: friend…sure…bye.

Erik stared at the computer screen with Cheshire grin on his face. He knew it! He KNEW it! He had friends! He had been a bit unsure on the validity of his many friends, but now he was sure. When someone sent him a friend request it meant that someone LIKED him. Erik was so happy. He didn't even think about the fact that online he was a six foot hot blonde guy. Nope, he didn't think about that at all.

"Chritii-iiine! Christine where are yoouu? I have woon-derful news! I really should stop talking like that, I'm starting to sound like Freddy F.! Christine?"

"I'm over here!" Erik followed her voice to the Ayesha's room. He found Christine staring at three strokes of purple paint upon one of the walls. "Erik, what shade of purple should we use to paint the baby's room?"

"What? This is Ayesha's room. Why don't you use the room on the other side of the layer?"

"This room is closer to our room and it's bigger than the other one. Now, which shade should I use?"

"Sigh…the one on the left is a good shade."

"Nah. I like the one in the middle. Erik, will you paint this room…" she looked at the label of the sample of paint, "…Gothic Purple Sunrise when you have the time? It would mean sooo much to me."

"Of course my darling."

"Thank you!" she looked at his face, "Why were you calling me?"

"Oh I was going tell you how I have friends. I have friends Christine! And they can't reject me because they can't see my face! Isn't that wonderful!?"

"They wouldn't see you face even if your "friends" were in this very room."She frowned at the mask, "Your still wearing your mask! Why don't you take it off? It's only me."

"I errrr cannot." He looked down at his awesome custom made leather shoes, "I feel uhhh…naked without it."

"That's ridiculous! Since when did you have a problem with being naked around _me_? What, do you think I'm gonna run away if I see your face again?"

"Well…"

"You idiot! You do think I'll leave don't you? Why are yo—"

"I'm sorry Christine!" he interrupted, "It's just how a while ago when you said how you thought Gerard Butler was handsome, the hot scot I think you called him. And," Eriks eyes went glassy underneath his mask, "I just wish I looked like Mr. Butler so you would think I'm hot too."

Christine looked moved to tears and utterly annoyed at the same time. She thought about how she could explain what her feelings were in the best possible way and what better way than in song!?

**Take Off That Mask**(to the tune of When You Where Young by The Killers)

_Sung by Christine _**(who else?)**

You sit there in your heartache  
waiting for a beautiful face to  
save you from your old ways  
You say "don't look at me"  
Shut up now ...get over it!

You don't look a thing like Gerard  
But you talk like a gentleman  
Like I imagined when I was younger

Can you take off that mask

I don't know  
Harder now than ever before  
I know we can make it if we take it slow  
Let's take it easy  
Easy now, watch it go

We're burning down the closet of masks!  
and the make-a-mask kit I started hating  
since I married you  
since I married you

And sometimes you close your eyes  
and see the face you wanted to have  
since you were young

They say your devil's face, it ain't so sweet  
But I don't care anymore  
so please take off that mask  
Every once in a little while

You sit there in your heartache  
Waiting on some beautiful face to  
To save you from your old ways  
You say "don't look at me"  
Shut up now, I don't care

You don't look a thing like Gerard  
But you talk like a gentleman  
Like I imagined when I was younger  
(You talk like a gentlemen, like I imagined when)  
When I was younger

I said you don't look a thing like Gerard  
You don't look a thing like Gerard  
But I love you more than you'll ever know

"I love you too Christine! Thank you, you are right! What have I to hide from my wonderful wife **(=P)**?" He took off his mask only to reveal another mask underneath. He took off the second mask. There was another underneath it as well. And another and another and another and another and another….

Twenty three masks later Christine and Erik were panting. The last few masks were on tight, but they are victorious!

They smiled at each other in contentedness when Erik frowned.

"That Gothic Purple Sunrise is a dreadful color. I will allow no son of mine to gaze upon it!"

Sigh. What are we going to do with you Erik?

**Well there you have it. Was it good, was it bad? I must say, not my favorite chapter to write, but oh well. Me, I, Spot wrote this chapter. If you guess who BLUEJewelsOnCHEEK is I'll give you a uhhh….let me think about it.**

**Cheerios says hi! Review! Cheerios is mad at me for not putting up this chapter earlier (sorry Cheerios my friend) and it would cheer her up. **

**P.S. No offence to gay people. Erik didn't mean anything.**

**P.S.S. Any ideas for a weird (aren't they all?) food craving?**


	10. 89, Kicks, and Spam

**Hiyo! This is the Thanksgivin special! We hope you love it!**

_89, Kicks, and Spam_

"Kind sir, come here," A random guy in awfully bright yellow breeches waved over Raoul.

"Err…who are you?" Raoul asked, flipping his luxurious gold locks of hair.

"I am known as the engineer and welcome to Dreamland!" Suddenly, showgirls started to fill the room as a single spotlight landed on Raoul. Fast paced music started blaring out unnaturally.

Strippers started pole dancing around the 21 year old.

"Come on, hump it!" the engineer snickered," Hump!"

"I thought you came a century afterwards," Raoul questioned, somewhat frightened at the sight of so much women flesh. The last time something as disturbing as this occurred was when Erik stalked him and saw him change in his room that night.

"No, dur, that's my _creative_ great grandson who lives in Nam," The engineer sneered, and then started talking about his French blood mixing with the Vietnamese.

Raoul then bumped into a weird man.

"What's up?" He looked at him, and Raoul could distinguish scars on his face.

"Nothing, you are?" Raoul shrugged, as the man stroked his exceptionally pointy chin.

"Erik. Don't get me wrong, I'm the retarded one who loves to kill in '89 and I rape prostitutes and I get turned on watching girls sing cuz I'm just so damn scary."

"What's your tale?" He asked as Raoul cleared his throat.

"Well, my fiancé dumped me after I tried to save her from some freak that looks like you, or he should. Then my hair frizzed up because I landed in water and then I got a paper cut from ripping up the 'Raoul+ Christine forever' papers I wrote all over my diary" Raoul told him, pulling out his embroidered hankie.

"I sold my soul to a midget devil and I have to hear some naked overweight parrot screech 'Essssssther!' at the sight of a skinned guy in her closet." The man rolled his eyes, "Well, goes get your groove on."

"I can't possibly. You see, I miss Christine. She was----

"Fifty francs for this man here, find her the vestal virgin!" 1989 Erik winked and walked out Dreamland with some brunette.

Before he could protest, a young girl walked up to Raoul. And he opened his eyes wide. She was….

**SexyBeastDJTriumphant123** commented:

_Dude, kayne is such a douche .Taylor Swift rules._

"How could he be so heartless?" Erik thought with a frown, browsing around YouTube.

Flash! Gasp a friend request!

**Fatchicklinklarkinfanatic sent you a friend request.**

Accepting it, Erik smirked, now he had over 500 friends.

Browsing through, he put Taylor Swift on full blast, and occasionally shivered at her, well, not so perfect voice.

"If you could see that I'm the one who understands you. Been here all along—Hell-o, honey" He sang, and then turned to face his wife nervously.

"Darling, you need to stop going on the computer." Christine crossed her arms, as Erik accepted friend requests from other people and still stalking Christine's profile.

"That's it! We're going to see an opera tonight!' Christine walked away.

"But—

"No BUTS, Erik, I liked it better when you wanted me to sing cause we eventually get turned on but you going online is just going to make you fatter and where the hell is my SPAM?"

"Spam?"

"YES, Spam! Canned spiced meat."

"My dear, where can I get this?" Erik queried.

"I don't know, but I better see Spam here in the next five seconds." And she stormed off, rubbing her bump, "I swear, Erik. I don't know which is thicker, your brain or your ass,"

"And I do not comprehend which is flatter, your voice or your chest," Erik sarcastically and cheerfully murmured.

"Excuse me, Erik?" She whooshed around.

"Nothing, Mon cheri!" Erik once again faced the wonderful screen and decided to play Tetris and kick ass.

5 hours later…

Erik was on Quizilla, taking the poll and seeing if he beat Raoul in all of the who should Christine be with and who's sexier polls.

"Honey, it's time to go!" Christine was waiting at the foot of the gondola in her blue dress as Erik stood up and ended his chats. Wearing his normal formal wear, Erik sighed and prepared to watch _Faust_ for the millionth time.

They had decided to go see the opera earlier to get to Box 5 before people saw the missing soprano and some masked man. Sitting in Box 5, Christine hurriedly sat down and pulled out her opera glasses.

"Erik, you have such a wonderful view from up here!" She giddily told her husband."Err, where are you?"

With she heard knocking from the hollow pillar; she turned to face a pillar. "I'm in the pillar!"

"Erik, get the hell out of there!" Christine stood up and walked to the pillar."

"No, Christine, I have to do my job," Erik shrugged his bony shoulders inside the pillar and pulled out his book.

"That explains why you were on Facebook complaining about me instead of working," Christine rolled her eyes, trying to find how some six foot tall man fit in such a tiny pillar. Suddenly, Christine felt something in her stomach. It couldn't be gas because the last time Erik made Mexican food was two weeks ago and now he's making her Spam salads. Of course, he eats nothing and only sips on his wine and picks at his bread.

"Oh my gah!" She squealed."Erik, dear, our baby just kicked!"

Erik immediately flew out," My music. My song! He is excited about the opera! He is truly my boy," Erik began crying and pulled out his laptop.

"Um, where did that come from?" Christine questioned, as Erik kneeled at her side and touching her belly.

"Never mind that, I must tell all my _friends_ about this delightful news!" Erik quickly logged on as Christine gloomed on, returning to her seat.

Pretty soon the opera began.

Erik sang along with the music and noted Carlotta's voice a true disaster. Turning to his wife, she was seemingly intrigued by this song she couldn't possibly understand. Erik's hands traveled around her waist, downwards, until Christine smacked him and shot him a glare. Hastily enough, he placed his hands innocently on her stomach, occasionally feeling his little kicker, he joked.

Suddenly, at the end of the first act, when the fat little opera freaks stood up and clapped, Erik smirked, starting to make his big, bad, and super scary thing to blackmail those stupid managers. Clearing his throat, he told Christine he would be using the John when suddenly a man walked on stage. And he was no ordinary man yet he seemed so familiar. He was wearing interesting eyewear and he was black. Not that Erik was racist; it was simply unusual to see one wearing gangster clothes in Parisian society. Erik paused. Everyone paused. Until the man started speaking.

"Hey, you know, you were great," He turned to face Carlotta, "But Christine should have been singing tonight!"

"BOO!!!!!!!!!!" Carlotta's friends started the booing and suddenly everyone joined in. Erik finally realized who this man was. Kanye West!** (AN: Had to put this in here!) **

"Stealin' my spotlight? I don't think so!" He did the nu-uh look as he muttered on. Erik reached for his Punjab as Christine looked confused and hurt at the audience. Kanye flipped everyone off and ran off.

"I gotta go diss Obama now!" Kayne joked as Erik growled sexily (unintentionally) and his comment confusing everyone.

"Taylor Swift rules!" Erik thought, chasing down this Kayne.

"Why did you go and ruin Taylor Swift's night?" Erik whispered into Kanye's ears, using his awesome ventriloquist skills.

"Err…who are you?"

"I am Erik!" He stated, whooshing his cape and cueing his theme music.

"Um, are you my new hair stylist? Cause I already got one and he's gay, which means he's good." Kanye told Erik.

"No, I am Christine's husband so I'm not gay!" Erik stated.

"Oh, congrats, man!" Kayne laughed, looking nervously around.

"You hurt Taylor Swift. That's not cool." Erik sullenly told him.

"But, I speak the truth! Beyonce is awesome! 'All the single ladies, all the single ladies!" Kanye started jiving and dancing to the song, "Plus, I thought your wife is hot."

"Hey, hey, hey! Okay, you have past the point of no return! My wife is mine so no touching and she is pregnant with _my_ son!" Erik retorted, jumping out of hiding.

"Look man, I just gotta escape. Everyone pissin' on me just because I don't think some nineteen year old should beat Beyonce! And why the hell am I talkin' like some typical gansta? You so stereotypical." Kanye stated, shaking his head. Before Erik could reply, a voice shook the entire opera house

"ERRRRRRRRRIIIIIKKKKKKKKKK!!!!! Where is my SPAM??!??!??!?"

"Dude, I gotta go. My wife is scary when she wants Spam. She becomes all like Miley Cyrus on that last episode of Hannah Montana." Erik ran off, as Kanye smiled.

At least people hate Miley more than him. He hopes.

**So… Spot here. This vonderful chapter waz written by Cheerios. So everyone give her a Thanksgiving hug cuz she's awesome like dat. Oh and she wanted me to write a thanks giving parody song for you guys who reviewed or bothered reading this fanfic, so here goes nada!:**

**Are We Thankful?**(To the tune of **Human** by The Killers)

We did our best to notice  
when you read and/or dropped a line.  
You clicked that review button.  
You were great and you were kind.  
And sometimes we get nervous  
when we put up a chapter.

So thank you  
for your review...  
made our day.

Are we thankful?  
Or are we grateful?  
Of course we are  
why wouldn't we?  
And we're on our knees  
thanking for your kindness  
Are we thankful?  
Or are we grateful?

Pay my thanks to Team Erik and Fang  
Send my _gracias_ to Random Girl  
Give my regards to Queen of the Skye,  
and to lin and Emaren too.  
Thank you Distraught Samurai,

AzelmaCombeferre, Phangirl of the Opera  
last not least  
MoonlightDuchess...  
Thank you for your reviews.

Are we thankful?  
Or are we grateful?  
Both or either  
they mean the same.  
And we're on our knees  
thanking for your kindness.  
Are we thankful?

Or are we grateful?

We hope our fanfic is alright  
it's for you to read some night.  
Without those reviews we're receiving  
I don't think we would still be updating.

Are we thankful?  
Or are we grateful?  
Both or either  
they mean the same  
And we're on our knees  
thanking for your kindness  
Are we thankful?  
Or are we grateful?

We're just letting you know

Are we thankful?  
Or are we grateful?  
Both or either  
they mean the same  
And we're on our knees  
thanking for your kindness  
Are we thankful?  
Or are we grateful?

Are we thankful?  
Or are we grateful?

Are we thankful?  
Or are we grateful?

**Happy Thanksgiving everybody!!!**


	11. Mystery Girl and Debby

**Enjoy!!!**

Mystery Girl and Debby

Raoul was staring at the girl in front of him. Can you believe it?! A girl _actually _was talking to him! Wait. _Why would this be surprising?,_ he thought. _I mean I do have luscious shoulder dusting hair and some versions of me have glorious mustaches! And I'm rich for conditioner's sake! Why is it so surprising that girl would want to talk to me? _His brows furrowed. _What is she saying anyway and why is she wearing those _horrendous _shoes!? Why can I even see her shoes?!_

"Errrm…hello? Hello! Mr. Dude sir! I am speaking in French right?" said girl let out a huff. "You deaf? Blanking out? O' are you badly pretendin' to not hear me? And why are you staring at my shoes? Hello-o, any one there?" she pulled on her frizzy hair in thought, "I know! Hey look, IMAKEEXPENSIVESHOESTHATYOUCAN'TAFFORD is coming out with a new line of men's loafers!"

"What! Where?!" Raoul turned his head frantically. His head finally stopped moving when a pair of hands held him still.

"I was lying, you dumbass. I need you listen to me. Whe—"

"Gahhhh! Your hands are touching my face! Your hands probably filthy. Ahhh! Where are my face wipes!?"

"Face wipes?" the mysterious girl chuckled.

"Gaaahhhhh!" Raoul frantically cleaned his face making sure to wipe every part of his infamous "girlish complexion". After finishing his ministrations he stared at the rude girl. Why did she seem so familiar…

Christine watched as her husband scourged the nooks and crannies of the underground lair they shared. _What on _earth _is he doing? I wonder if I should be worried…_the baby kicked a message in Morse code, _Yes, I suppose he is looking for something .I wonder what._

Erik was quite nervous. In fact he was very nervous. He had recently bought the Droid phone from Verizon thinking it was an iPod and imagine to his surprise when all it did was beep and voiced the voices of people he didn't know! And _now _he couldn't find the receipt so he can return it! He had to return it! He used Christine's Christmas gift money to buy the stupid Droid! And those damn managers of the friggen opera have been forgetting to pay him! He was beginning to be a very bad opera ghost. Marriage has softened him.

_You know what? _Erik thought, _I'm just gonna return it without the receipt! _"Christine! I am going out! I will be back soon!"

"Okey dokey! Can you bring me back some Spam?"

"Of course darling!" and he marched vicariously out.

After getting lost about 6.4 times he finally found the store he bought the befuddling phone from, Stingy's Electros. He marched into the store, cape swishing out behind him majestically and headed for the return counter. For surely they would let him return it, even if he had no receipt. It's only been five days since he got the blasted phone!

"How can I help you?" droned the clerk behind the return counter.

Erik peered at her nametag."Yes Mademoiselle…Debby. I need to return this Droid thingy-mcbobber." He held up the Droid.

"Is there anything wrong with it?" Debby asked monotonously.

"No…it is just not what I expected it to be."

"Do you have the receipt?"

"I'm going to sound like a fool, but I seem to have misplaced it."

"You do sound like a fool." Erik glared ay Debby's emotionless face.

"Well…I have the phone here and I want to return it."

"When did you purchase you item?"

"Five days ago, madamnoiselle."

"Sorry. Our policy is that you can only return it in _four _ days. Sorry" Debby did not sound apologetic at all."

"What!! That is utterly ridiculous! It's because I'm frencg huh? "

"I'm French as well sir."

"Well then it's because I'm wearing a mask huh? Why you people so prejudice 'gainst The Mask!? Gah!!"

"I'm afraid you don't understand sir. That is our policy. You only have four days to return anything you purchase here."

"Noooo!! That's not just! And now you're making me sound like a fifteen year old girl! Curse you!!!!"

"It seems that I'm going to have to explain this to you in song. You have been warned.

**Past the Point of No Return (done by Debby the Cashier)**

You have come here  
in pursuit of  
a late return,  
in pursuit of  
some cash,  
which right now  
has been lacking,  
lacking. . .

You have brought me,  
a Droid phone that  
works and functions -  
in my mind  
you look like a  
dumbass to me  
drop all pretenses  
you cannot lie to me -  
but you are here with me:  
no second thoughts,  
you've forgotten,  
forgotten . . .

Past the point  
of no return -  
its been five days now:  
the days to return it  
are at an end . . .  
Past all thought  
of "if" or "but" -  
no use trying:  
abandon thought,  
and get out of my store  
my store! . . .

Past the point  
of no return,  
no more exchanges -  
no cash,  
or a gift card.  
Don't return  
beyond the point  
of no return . . .

Do you understand now?"

"I ahhh yes. I'll…just be going"

"That would be a good idea." She smiled at him. She had a piece of corn stuck in her teeth. Erik shuddered as he exited.

But now he realized, he still had no money! He never thought this would happen to him,but he was broke! Poor! Now he's gonna have to break into someone's store with a large heavy wooden stick and threaten the shop owner to give him money. Or worse! He would have to get _a job_! The Phantom cannot get a JOB!! But he had to do it, he thought to himself. He had to for the sake of his wife and his unborn son.

He dug into his hands into his pockets, contemplating if he should become a magician, stone mason, or composer in his future career when he felt something in his left pocket. He took out what appeared to be a small crumpled piece of paper. He opened it up and seeing that it was a check! Erik did the shoulda-had-a-V8-bonk-on-the-head-thingy to himself. The managers did pay him! He just forgot when he put it in his pocket! _Stupid Erik,_ he thought, _And Erik was about to get a job! See what Erik almost did! Haha! Oh no… Erik is thinking in third person! Must…stop…OK I'm good. Now that this problem is solved, I must go find Spam for my lovely wife! Where do I get Spam?_

**I know!!! It's late! But I was sick as a dog!!! I know…not a good excuse. This chapter probably reflects that. My humor is bad when I'm sick.**


	12. This or That?

"Who the hell invented spam?" The though ran through Erik Destler's head too many times. He had brought home the best meat found in Paris and however all his wife wanted was spam! Why would she rather eat some saturated and sodium bombed lard with 170 calories rather than the tender beef that only kings and queens can eat. He entered the local Tar-jay (Target! WOOHOO!) and immediately flinched at all the red in the store. He wandered through the store with his twenty thousand francs. Walking towards the back of the store, he got sidetracked by the Christmas trees and inflatable Santas. Sigh. He pulled out his handy black rimmed list o' presents

_Presents to Give_

_Christine-? Find something coo and smexy for wife_

_Erik-me? Hehe…whatever you please babe_

_BabyErik(Named Don for now…)-write him some cool music_

_Madame Giry-cool lava lamp cause she's hippie at heart_

_Meg-um…more revealing clothes_

_Managers-gay sex toys wait…Firmin's married…_

_Raoul-burn his hair…HAHAHAHAHAHAHA….me laugh like that dude from Faust…_

Looking up, he sighed. Walking through the trees, he was greeted by a girl named Juliette wearing a red shirt and khakis.

"Good evening, sir, need some assistance?" She questioned cheerfully.

"How do I expect some teen who thinks she's too good and mature to assist me?" He sneered

"Excuse me, I'm thirteen!" She looked fierce.

"Well, I'm two times your age," He yelled back."Plus some more!"

"Gosh, what's your problem?" She was about to flip him off but then…

"Is there an issue here?" The owner walked by, as Juliette flipped her hair and smiled beautifully at him.

"No, there isn't any." Erik looked at the young girl.

"Juliette, one more time," He began, waggling his finger as his glasses slid down his nose.

"Yes, Papa," She looked down.

"We must remember to beat Wal-Mart's record!" He smiled,"those Montagues will die and crash in the stock market."

"Well, this is my first time buying presents," Erik began as the girl looked sadly up.

"What's your name?" She asked.

"I am nor ghost nor man. I am----"

"Scrooge!" She laughed, leading him forward. "Care for a tree?"

"Um…" He shrugged.

"Whatever …follow me!" She introduced the different trees. Erik finally settled on the tree and ended up. He went to the register, as Juliette stood next to him. Tiny as hell, he sighed at this girl who seemed like a daughter to him. It felt as if something would happen. Something big…

"That will be twenty thousand francs, messier!" The register happily announced.

Erik absentmindedly gave her the check as the girl carried his bags of black dress pants, crayons for himself, and crimson red paint for his son's bedroom( he will not stand for purple!), inflatable 20ft tall Santa, a Santa outfit, ornaments, and the tree to the car. He decided he would _make_ some the presents.

"Christine, love?" he entered his house.

"Yes dear," Erik heard from the further part of the lair. He set down everything on the floor and went on to his computer.

"I'm home," He smiled as he noticed the computer was still logged on her email… it wouldn't hurt to check out who she may be contacting…

Clicking on the first one, it read…

_To: Raoul de Chagny _

What kind of douche has their own email domain thing or whatever it's called?!?! Reminding himself to make one of his own as well, Erik scrolled down.

_From: Christine Daae_

_Re: date on Sat?_

_Raoul, I would love for you to come over for dinner. I have always been found o f playing hostess and you must come see the lair now! I insisted for the guest room to be dusted and redone with the latest colors. Also, I might as well be wearing the new blue gown Erik has ordered for me. Oh, he spoils me rotten! Not implying that you couldn't but compared to Erik He's a style God, along with being the God at everything else. Sometimes, I cross myself for saying such sinful things and besides, Erik will not accompany me to the Mass every Sunday. I mean, it has been eons since we talked. Besides, Erik hasn't been as romantic as those days where he leaves me roses every day. I think without you, he has no one to steal ideas from. I mean the ring, the stealing of All I Ask of You, our duet? Anyways, I'll see to Erik. Bye, ttyl! _

_Christine _

_Original Message----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

_Lotte, I need to talk to you, the other day I ran into this place I normally wouldn't go to but I was going to pick up my usual hair products from the salon and this man came over and dragged me in before I could protest and there…well…I really need to talk to you…it's as if it were a sign! Will you meet me on Saturday? Forever waiting for your response._

_Raoul_

Hmm…a DATE….not acceptable! Time to be an Asian parent with my wife, Erik thought.

"Erik?" She called as he heard footsteps.

Wait a minute! He was reading HER email! Uh-oh….he would be the one that's busted.

Clicking it to minimize, he stood up.

"What's all that junk on the boat, Erik?" She asked rubbing her 5 month bump with a yawn.

"It is not junk, Love," He stood closer to her," I went to do some productive shopping,"

"Ooo, is my SPAM in there?" She looked excited.

"Ur, em, Spam? You wanted that?" He laughed nervously.

"Yes, I did," She crossed her arms.

"Well, darling, I ran out of money, you see." He smiled.

"Yes, I could tell," She looked over at the things sticking out of the boat, "Never mind, can you set up the tree then?"She suddenly smiled, lounging forward towards him" My first Christmas with you together,"

"Yea," He looked nervous, running out and forgetting completely about the email in fear.

A few boring hours passed and Erik had managed to Christmasfy everything. He went to find his wife.

She was reading through a pregnancy book and a name book. It was opened to the pictures Erik shivered at.

"Erik, have you thought what to name our baby?" Christine questioned, looking quite wary.

"Erm, not really," He thought of those precious hours he had spent on YouTube.

"I have, if it is a boy, Gustave Erik Destler---"

"Woah, woah, woah! Gustave? Dude, hon, my son will not resort to being called Gus!"

"But, it's my father's name!"Christine looked shocked.

"And it's my worse enemy's name!"

"My papa is your enemy?" She looked amused.

"Well, you love him as equally as you love me, almost to the point of incest," He looked disgusted.

"I do NOT!" She retorted.

"Face it, your mind's just as dirty as mine!" he laughed out," Plus, anotha Gus I know matches me in brains so No."

"But dear---"She began.

"Ok, let us hear the girl name," Erik smirked.

"Angelique Sarah Dester," She looked all proud," But maybe we'll call her Erika Stella Destler."

"Angel with que? That's gayer than naming our daughter Douche! And come off it, Erik-a? She will not like that fact she was named after me and Stella sounds bad with Erika anyways." He laughed.

"Well, if you're so smart, what do you suggest?" She asked, rubbing her tummy as if it could hear the insults.

"Never mind that, Christine. At birth, I shall present him with a name worthy of him." He swooshed his cape. "If you will excuse me, I need to gift wrap the presents I bought."

"Wait a second, Erik." He turned around.

"Lamaze or this new thing they have at the YMCA" She held up pamphlets.

"I don't know. Lamaze sounds better," He began to walk away.

"You sure?" She asked, looking over the pictures of happy pregnant women.

"I don't care, as long as it's edible!" He yelled back," CALL ME WHEN IT'S READY, DEAR!"

And Christine let out a sigh. At least _he_ was gaining some weight as she was eating for two.

Meanwhile, as every story happens to go because things get too boring when you're talking about something for a whole bloody chapter…

The teenage girl logged on to to read up the wonderful realms of Paris written by others. Everything seemed so cliché with the Christine realizing who she truly loved, the modern day, the Erik/Raouls or other chick… Scrolling up the list, she saw a story titled "What's Worse Than the Phantom of Manhattan?" The summary seemed nice enough and she clicked on the story written by Kill Otto. By the second chapter, she was ashamed she clicked on this. What kind of a retard perv is writing this? Well, two retard pervs… Then we stepped out and said "Hey, hey! We just wanted to make you laugh in a middle of a harsh week, man! We know what it's like in school cause lemme reassure you, we ARE just a couple o' confused and rational teenagers and if given the right situations, are completely OC in what we are writing---------(WRONG REALM HERE, RETURN TO ORIGINAL STORY)

So as Erik went to decorate his lair with Christmas Candy Canes Candles and stockings, Christine was deciding how she would go through hours of labor, Raoul was talking to a random girl from a stripper club, Madame Giry and Firmin were debating about their not-so-great marriage, and the authoresses were typing up this crap laughing their heads off, let us enter the world of a character so little discussed in here. Nadir khan, your lovable stalker of the stalker and daroga and Erik's BFF and better known as more mysteriously, the Persian. Oooo….

The Persian was walking down the streets of Paris, being the sanest character in the whole Phantom world. Once upon a world that most people care little for, he was the one who kept Erik a good man and the one who once was the right hand man of Erik. Instead, now he was replaced by a woman who knocks her cane on the floor and yells at little rats to dance. Nevertheless, Erik liked Rats, human and the literal ones, according to Dario Argento… Then a teenage fan girl came up to him.

"NO! I don't know who Erik is? Just because you think I look Persian, you logically assume I am _the _Persian?" He started off to one of the few time travelling phangirls looking and traveling here because their authors think that Erik slowly fall in love with a girl who probably doesn't understand t_rue_ music.

Tearing up, the fan girl ran away as the Persian shrugged and continued walking down the streets. Deciding he would be like the real daroga he was, he entered Krispy Kremes. After purchasing a whole dozen of donuts he probably couldn't finish and would feed Darius later, he began contemplating his life. He then came up with a television program that he believed was totally Persian cultured prideful and amazing. He would call it _Everybody Loves Ramin_ but then again, Nah. They would go obsessed with him instead and he would be all forgotten again. They would think he was awesome bloody rip off of Ramin in the phantom universe. What was so cool about him? Sure he's hot but… Man, I was so cool in Leroux's book! Dude, I looked like a jackass in the animated version and I was equally as sexy as Erik to most girls in Kay's book, finally someone who cared about him. After that eventful evening, he decided to go find Madame Giry and show her who's Erik's true BFF was… with the only possible way to solve off! So Nadir walked away, and headed off to buy an Indiana Jones hat, humming the theme song. Who was this Madame Giry to him anyways? Some old widow whose job span lasted less than ten years and has no teeth or definite first name. He still could kick ass. Harrison Ford _my_ butt, he smirked, going off to find the lady he probably never met.

**yeah... it's Cheerios here...usually Spot posts but I got sick...I'm so sad here! It's been FOREVER since I had to miss school but I reluctantly have to stay home...WAH...WWWWHHHHHYYYYY?!?!?!**


	13. A Christine Carol

**Yo! Here is the awesome, wonderful, extravagant, Christmas/New Years Special! (Yeah…I know it's REALLY late)**

_A Christine Carol_

"FALALALALALALALALA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"What the f—"(**ooohh, he almost cussed!! ) **Raoul turned around to look at whatever just caused him to _almost _curse. It was that girl again, the one that touched his horribly unblemished face! Oh, he had some things to say to _her_!

He walked vicariously to this rude mystery girl and looked down upon her smiling mischievous face with a very unimpressive frown. And just as he was about to say who-knows-what-,-but-I-predict-something-about-not-touching-his-face she held a finger to his lips and instead of he, began talking.

"I'm surprised that you don't recognize me! I mean, like, I'm your para-crea—", the mystery girl's look of mild shock turned to one of mild amusement, "Ooops! I almost told you who I really am! But you can call me Marlen."

"Isn't that a boy's name?" Raoul asked.

"So? What if it is?" she gave him a look.

"Nothing" he muttered, already scared of this Marlen girl.

"Well anyway, I've known you for a long time. Since we were _weeeeeeee_ babes. I knew you before you met Christine. You were a lot smarter then…and not as pretty. "

"WHAT! Not as pretty! I was an adorable child!"

"And how would you know that?" she asked with an eyebrow raised.

"I have paintings of me as a young boy" Raoul huffed.

"That you had done in your teen years." Marlen smiled evilly.

"How the he—hair gel did you know that!"

"I've been watching you."

"STALKER!! I have a stalker!"

"No you idiot! Ahhh! Never mind let me get to the point. I'm here to warn you. Three Ghosts are going to come to pay you a visit. You must do everything they say and afterwards…well you'll see."

"Wait, what? Is this some late Halloween party? "

Marlen gave him an irritated look and with a big puff of purple smoke, disappeared! And just as Raoul was about to sigh in relief he heard coughing. And then cursing.

"Cough! Coughcoughcough! Fudge cakes! Where the hell am I!?" Two eyes found Raoul through the violet haze and glared at him. A man, and a handsome man Raoul had to admit (though, of course, not as handsome as he), wobbled toward him. The man was in an odd get up that consisted of man-whoreish Santa Clause costume and makeup smeared all over his face. The strange man also had a glass in his hand which he didn't let go of even after he toppled on top of Raoul.

"What the—"Raoul threw the clearly drunk man off him who consequently lay on the ground.

"Who are you?" the drunk murmured from the ground"

"I'm Raoul de Changy!" he said instantly offended he didn't know his name.

"Aawww, shit! You're the Raoul guy? Fuck, today is the appointment? Fuuucckk!" Raoul cringed at the cursing. "Why am I even drunk? I'm ghost for Capulet's sake!" and with those words, the drunk took on a misty ghostlike form and seemed to completely erase any alcohol from his system. The ghost looked down at his clothing and let out another curse. He immediately changed his outfit to a more normal one, muttering about "that damn Mercutio".

Raoul meanwhile had gone to the other side of the room, pitifully trying to hide from the ghost. The ghost calmly walked over to him and, reading from a flashcard, said "Bonjour, my name is Paris and I am," Paris looked at the flash card again, "the Ghost of Christine Past. Now if you would take my hand, we are going to a time warp." Paris grabbed Raoul's gloved hand and WOOOSH! The pair of handsome men where unceremoniously dumped onto a beach that was vaguely familiar to poor Raoul.

"Um, where are w—"

"Shush! Watch." Paris pointed toward the shore.

Raoul looked toward the shore where a boy and girl where playing. He scrutinized them till he realized that ii was his younger self! But who was the girl with the gawd awful frizzy hair that was with his younger him?

"It's Christine you idiot" Paris retorted as if reading his mind.

They watched as the girl's red scarf (it _so_ did not match her dress) got caught by the wind and flew toward the water. Raoul cringed (those pants were custom made!) as little Raoul ran into the water after the scarf. Little Raoul brought the soaking scarf to giggling Little Christine and they eventually left the beach together.

Raoul turned to Paris. "So what was the point of that?"

"I don't know" Paris said irritably," I'm just supposed to bring you here and you're supposed to learn some life lesson or something."

"So now what not as pretty as me ghost?"

"Not as pretty as you!? _I _am a man of wax! I am _soooo _hotter than you" he ran his and through his hair crossly, " Whatever. I've got leave anyway. I have to make sure Tybles hasn't got into another fight". POOF! And Paris the Ghost of Christine Past vanished with a puff of glitter.

"Raoul stared incredulously as the pile the glitter left in Paris' place. "Now what?!"

"I'm what!" The speaker was a strong, handsome young man with wavy black hair. The man smiled at poor Raoul, put forward his hand to shake and said "Hello, I'm Eric.""

"NOOOOOOOOO!!!" Raoul glared at Eric in disbelief, "How are YOU better looking than ME?! What happened to your face?! Why is your hair so luscious!?" Raoul was hyperventilating now, "No wonder Christine left me for you. HOW!?!?!?!? WHY!?!?!?!?!?!?"

"Ummm…it's Eric with a C" Eric with a C looked like he was trying not to laugh.

"Oh. Well in that case…can I go home now?" Raoul tried to get the embarrassed look off his face.

"Sorry, no. I'm the Ghost of Christine Could Have Been. And would you take my hand now, I need to get you to an alternate universe" Raoul heeded Marlen's advice and took Eric' hand.

The pair went through a warp and they now appeared to be on the roof of a building. Below them was a large crowd. After overcoming his fear of heights, Raoul looked in the direction the crowd and upon the stage was Christine! She was giving a speech in a language he interpreted was English. And on stage behind her was himself, a young boy and an old man. Eric put a hand on his shoulder and used the other to point at the stage. "That is Christine", Raoul gave Eric a look that clearly said 'No duh'. Eric, unruffled, continued, "The man is obviously you and the boys is um…your son, Pierre. The older man is the boy's teacher."

"I have a son?!?! Does that mean I married Christine?!? Is this the future?!" Raoul's eyes widened to the point of un-cuteness.

"Well, no. I guess you called this the future, but only because this universe several years ahead of yours. In this universe, you did marry Christine, but the kid isn't yours. He's Erik's."

"GAAAAHHH!!!"

"Yeah…sorry man."

"Why did you bring me here!?"

"Uhhh…" Eric took out a flash card, "To show you that no matter what universe you're in, Christine will always somehow manage to screw you over" Eric read. "Don't worry Raoul. In this universe, Christine actually chose you over Erik. And AU you totally knew Pierre isn't your son and AU you is pretty much ok with that."

"I really don't know how I should react right now."

"That's ok. My job is complete and I have no obligation to you anymore. Off to my wife who only wears a bikini! Bye sucka!!" And with another POOF Eric was gone and in his place was another ego-bruising man. The good looking ghost gave Raoul a nervous smile and said in really bad French "Hi, I'm Chris and I am the Ghost of Christine Future."

Raoul cringed at the American accented French. "Ok…you gonna take me somewhere that's gonna make me feel wore too?"

"I am going to take you somewhere, but I don't know if it will make you feel bad. Well, come. Let us go". The two left the roof and went through another warp. This time, they landed in a musty old library. Chris led the irritated Raoul to a section of the library where two girls were talking. Raoul gazed in horror at them. What on earth, where they wearing?!? Both girls had terrible, frizzy hair and the strangest clothing. And why was the blond wearing those gawd awful spectacles?! They watched as the brunette looked through sheets of music and saw how one of the sheet's writing turned into blood and scared the wits (not that Raoul had any) out her and Raoul. The blood disappeared and after the brunette calmed herself down she left with the scary sheet music. "Let's go follow Christine", Chris's words snapped Raoul out of his horror.

"That was _Christine?"_

Yes. We are the year 1989 and in another universe. This is the style".

"I liked my memories as they were, but now I'll leave remembering her (outfit)!" Raoul shuddered.

'Hey! That's my line! Sigh. Well c'mon. It's time to get you back home."

"Really?" Chris nodded. "YES!!!" Raoul grabbed Chris's arm and with the last warp, they were back in Paris. Raoul dropped to his knees and kissed everything within reach. Chris watched on with amusement until he saw the Raoul wasn't going to stop caressing his designer shoes anytime soon, he decided to just disappear. POOF!!!

Raoul screamed (girlishly) at the poof and saw that Chris the Ghost of Christine Future was gone and sighed in relief. _What was the point of all of that?, _he thought. He pondered this for about six and a half minutes before deciding to get ready for bed. Two hours later, Raoul was snuggling into his 1000 thread count blankets.

He dreamed of sopranos polishing his shoes for hours on end.

**DONE!!!!! So so so SO sorry it was this late. Cheerios! Forgive me! I wrote this in a rush, so please tell me if you can tell or not. Sorry no Erik…**


	14. Mrs Danforth Loses Seventy Pounds

Why are we here?" Erik turned about, looking at women with exceptionally round bellies, solemn expressions, bad yoga outfits, and scared husbands.

"It's a childbirth class, so we can learn how to give birth properly, "Christine stated, while rubbing her six month bump.

"We? Christine, in case you are confused, I don't have a vagina, uterus, or any other parts of the female anatomy." Erik glared at her with his unidentified colored eyes. The way he had said it was so solemn, no one would even giggle when he said the v word.

"Shut it, Erik!" Christine looked at her husband.

"Hello!! " A cheery voice greeted them, "You must be the Destlers, we have been expecting you!"

"Uh, who are you?" Erik questioned, hesitant.

"Oh, we're trainers for book characters that are bound to get impregnated at some point in the fan fiction world. Last week, we had to tend to Jack and Rose from Titanic. Can you imagine that kid with his dad's HAWT looks?" She was talking in this talk show announcer tone, "By the way, call me Chad's mom!"

"Um…?" Christine stepped forward.

"Mr. Michael Crawford, you are in my fridge! You are the whole reason I lost seventy pounds!" She squealed.

"Enough with that sixty three year old man, IAM THE SEXY SONG GOD! " Erik's cape started flying powerfully around him to expose his shirt that read: Cats the World Tour 2006.

"But Michael Crawford IS the phantom!" She complained.

"Curse your effing son who doesn't appreciate it and stupid Troy Bolton doesn't even know WHAT the most haunting love story is!?!?!?! OR the longest Broadway runnin' musical? Michael Crawford may be a great singer, but he is NOT the only one who can wow a stage. What of Earl Carpenter, Gary Mauer, Hugh Panaro, Brad Little, or better ? The hot me! Ramin! And I hate the stupid bashers!!! People should love Erik more!" Erik cussed out and muttered about how horribly Zac Efron sang in that first movie and no one said anything, but noo…Gerard Butler wasn't good enough... From nearby, phangirls screamed ,hearing Ramin's name.

"Oh, but I have seen the musical almost thirty times!" She let out, "And I knew from the start that you two were meant to be, and now a little child is on the way to show your love for each other," She smiled as Christine looked at her husband and the lady in appreciation.

"okay, enough ranting from me," Erik rolled his eyes and was muttering about Sarah Brightman being Christine and setting the standard of curly haired 80s Christine and making everyone confused when Leroux fanatics talk about the blond Christine. Stupid Forsyth.

"Go get a mat," Chad's mom stated.

"What do we do now?" Erik asked as they laid down the mat on the floor.

"Honestly, Erik. I thought you, of all people, would know!" Christine flipped her hair behind her ear as she lay down on the red mat. Erik stood next to her because he would not sit on the ground with his skinny legs crossed. Then he remembered! Forsyth is stupid. Nevertheless, he tried to put the disgraceful writer out of his mind and listened to Mrs. Danforth, whose attention turned from fan fiction Annabeth and Percy and Troy and Gabriella to them. Erik scanned the room until the lights went down. He sighed.

"Ok, I know in the fan fiction, you have all been going through horrid food cravings—"

"Pickles. It's always pickles." A girl with bushy brown hair next to her husband, a redheaded, freckled guy, shook her head sadly.

"Yes. But, many authors fail to realize the importance of this class, especially Erik/Christine stories because she always manages to have a complicated birth. Besides from that, Forsyth thinks Raoul has no balls so…it's intriguing." Mrs. Danforth glanced at Erik several times and dreamed of Michael Crawford.

"Let us begin with an educational video, courtesy of Just Around the Corner! (Copyrighted)" Mrs. Danforth shook the VCR wildly. Erik immediately squinted at the sight of the disgust! Ugh! It was utterly disgusting, the lady…with the happy doctor and the little children running about. In nineties clothing! Erik shook his head at the corny music, the big, poofy hair, and the tacky outfits. Then, it got to the scenic part and Christine buried her face in Erik's chest, muttering that she wouldn't look like that.

"Aaaaaaaand!" the announcer did his best talk show voice, "The baby is comin' out of the canal!" After a few screams that Erik wished he never heard and some annoying guy trying the best to be cheery and going," Come on, just a few more pushes!"

Erik put his arm sadly around his wife, as a screaming, bloody baby popped out of the scene. Everyone looked a little disillusioned after the video as the lights went back on and Mrs. Danforth smiled at all of them.

The two went home, both in their own worlds. Erik sighed and silently whispered thanks that he wouldn't have to do the birthing process.

"Erik, I have one thing to tell you," Christine put her hands on her hips.

"What is it?" He shrugged, hoping she didn't want more spam; he received enough everyday in his emails.

Christine began to sing a familiar tune

Anything you can do, I can do better!

ERIK

Fuck, yea right!

CHRISITNE

Anything you can do,  
I can do better.  
I can do anything  
Better than you.  
ERIK  
No, you can't.  
Yes, I can. No, you can't.  
Yes, I can. No, you can't.  
Yes, I can,  
Yes, I can!  
CHRISTINE  
Anything you can be  
I can be greater.  
Sooner or later,  
I'm greater than you. I'm the one giving birth and I HATE you!  
ERIK

AGH!

Well, I can speak several languages  
With a fine taste of age

CHRISTINE  
I can look pretty  
Just by sitting there

ERIK  
I can live on bread and cheese.

CHRISTINE  
And only on that?  
Yes.  
Well, I'm eating for TWO!  
Any note you can reach  
I can go higher.

ERIK

Talk to the hand!  
I can sing anything  
Better than you.  
No, you can't. (High)  
Yes, I can. (Higher) No, you can't. (Higher)  
Yes, I can. (Higher) No, you can't. (Higher)  
Yes, I can. (Higher) No, you can't. (Higher)  
Yes, I can. (Higher) No, you can't. (Higher)  
Yes, I CAN! (They randomly duet)  
CHRISTINE  
I can say softer.  
I can say anything  
Softer than you.  
No, you can't. (Softly)  
Yes, I can. (Softer) No, you can't. (Softer)  
Yes, I can. (Softer) No, you can't. (Softer)  
Yes, I can. (Softer)  
YES, I CAN! (Full volume)

ERIK  
I can write a whole opera  
in less than a hour

CHRISTINE  
I can uh…  
I don't know…

ERIK  
I can open any safe.  
Without bein' caught?

CHRISTINE  
Sure.  
That's what I thought--  
you thug!  
Any note you can hold  
I can hold longer.  
I can hold any note  
Longer than you.

No, you can't.  
Yes, I can No, you can't.  
Yes, I can No, you can't.  
Yes, I can  
Yes, I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I No, you C-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-N'T--  
CA-A-A-A-N! (Cough, cough!)  
NO, you ca-a-a-an! (HAHHAHAHAHA)

Anything you can wear  
I can wear better.  
In what you wear  
I'd look better than you.  
In my coat?  
In your vest! In my shoes?  
In your hat! No, you can't!  
Yes, I can  
Yes, I CAN!  
Anything you say  
I can say faster.  
I can say anything  
Faster than you.  
No, you can't. (Fast)  
Yes, I can. (Faster) No, you can't. (Faster)  
Yes, I can. (Faster) Noyoucan't. (Faster)  
YesIcan! (Fastest)  
I can jump a hurdle.  
I can wear a girdle.  
I can knit a sweater.  
I can fill it better!  
I can do most anything!  
Can you bake a pie? No.  
Neither can I.  
Anything you can sing  
I can sing sweeter.  
I can sing anything  
Sweeter than you.  
No, you can't. (Sweetly)  
Yes, I can. (Sweeter) No, you can't. (Sweeter)  
Yes, I can. (Sweeter) No, you can't. (Sweeter)  
Yes, I can. (Sweeter) No, you can't, can't, can't (sweeter)  
Yes, I can, can, can (Sugary)

Yes, I can! No, you can't!

After all that, They confirmed it. Erik could give birth if he wanted to, he can do anything better than her! Yea!

**AN Cherios here and er…likin the the phantom? THIS IS FAUST!! Watched Charles DANCE! And SONG AT MIDNIGHT! WOOOO………..**


	15. HOT DOGS!

**I know, I know…I'm late again. Enjoy?...**

_HOT DOGS!!!!!_

"UUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH!"

Christine was lying on the overstuffed couch absolutely lamenting the fact she was female. Except for the pluses of long hair, high singing voice, and hot disfigured men chasing you, it SUCKED. Especially when you're pregnant.

She didn't think it was possible, but all the stereotypical side effects of pregnancy are affecting her at the same time! And so she was stuck on this weird memory foam couch that Erik said "Would be super comfortable" and tried to sleep the next five weeks of her pregnancy away. But her genius plan wasn't _working_ because this couch was NOT COMFORTABLE!

She sighed. There goes the mood swings again.

The thought of swings made her think of parks, which made her think of barbeques, which made her think of hot dogs. "Erik?"She said softly, her want of unidentified pig scraps wrapped in soft sponge like bead rending her almost speechless. Almost. "ERIK! Get your skinny little arse over here!"

"Coming darling!" Erik ran to her side, kneeling and grabbing her hand before panting, "What is it dear?!"

"I'm hungry".

"What would you like?" he prayed that she wouldn't ask for some random exotic food or worse... Chinese takeout. Those talking pandas always made him cringe.

"I want a hot dog"

"A…hot dog?" he was absolutely stunned by the simple order.

"With ketchup, mustard, onions, mayonnaise, pickle, celery seed, tomato, three different kinds of pepper, kimchee, cole slaw, marshmallows, cream cheese, hot sauce, bacon wasabi, relish and French fries. Make sure the bun as sesame _and_ poppy seeds." Christine looked at Erik expectedly.

Erik kept the smile on his face, but his eyes did that broken, watery thing you would expect when someone got kneed in the family jewels. "Of course d-dear…right away."

"Hell yeah!" Erik cringed at her teenage-like outburst. Oh, right. Erik ran to the kitchen slamming the doors behind him. He had NO HOTDOGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What is going to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sigh. Erik stared making plans to go to America to get the damn hot dog when suddenly…he broke into song!

Till I Hear You Scream  **(Get you head outta the gutter people. He's singing to his "son".)**

The day starts, the day ends  
Time crawls by  
Night steals in, pacing the floor  
The moments creep,  
Yet I can't bear to sleep  
Till I hear you scream

And weeks pass, and months pass  
Seasons fly  
Still you don't come out of the womb!  
And in a haze  
I count the (not so) silent days  
Till I hear you scream for the first time.

And sometimes at night time  
I dream that you are there  
But wake to only get Christine a snack!

And cravings come, and morn sickness go  
Time runs dry  
Now I ache down to the core  
My (not so)broken soul  
Can't be (completely) alive and whole  
Till I hear you scream for the first time.

And music, your music  
It teases at my ear  
I turn and it fades away and only Christine's there

Let mood swings pass, let weird-prego-Bella-like-dreams pass  
Let them die  
Without you, what are they for?  
I'll always feel  
Like I'll never have an heir  
Till I hear you scream for the fir—

"!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"The hot dog is coming soon my dear!" Erik lied cheerfully.

"**!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"**

"I'm coming, I'm coming, but if you really want that hot dog I mus—"

"Damn it Erik! My water broke! I'm in labor!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Really?"Erik asked stupidly.

"!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Now that wasn't the kind of screaming he wanted to hear.

**I know, I know. Sucky, short chapter. But the birth is next! And written by the awesome Cheerios! **


	16. Baby!

"Damn it, Erik, get your friggin' ass here!" Christine sounded like she was whimpering and yelling at the same time.

"But my child is not due for another five weeks!" Erik came in the room thinking that he could stop labor.

"Well, it's ready to come and you better come in this instant or I will PULVERIZE you and throw nitric acid in your face, and faint at the sight of it, skin you alive and stuff you in Carlotta's –AHHH! Oh my DAMN it!" She started panting for breath, because creating that list was pointless and energy consuming. Fail, "ERRRRRRik! God, the PAIN! fl%*&%$&%#%#^%*%*&^&^*%^$%#^#^(Insert cuss word here)&%&%*^*%%!" Now she was getting really out of breath.

Erik did some thinking. Should his child be born in a hospital, in this lair, or during some awesome event? But it was an ordinary Wednesday! People were going to school and work, there was no Kabam! To welcome his child into this world?! Insolence! His thoughts were interrupted by Christine screaming like Raoul would if someone cut off his luscious blond locks. At that moment, Erik thought of giving her some morphine. Then suddenly the story took a turn where the lovable and overly protective (not to mention smart and hot) Erik took in. He suddenly went next to his wife, grasping one of her hands that were red from clenching her fists and pushed her curly nearing frizzy hair back. He gently kissed her and told her to relax, starting the melody to a song until Christine pulled him by his collar, and yelled out.

"NO more fun for you, ERIK! Damn it!" She started bellowing, Erik already implying the word fun to sex, "If you do not get help, I will kill you!"

Erik immediately ran out and called for Madame Giry, who was in the middle of catching her husband in bed with Andre. They were not doing anything mind you; they were comparing their Pokemon cards. Nevertheless, hearing this news, she rushed out to be a midwife to the seventeen year old.

"Curse you, Andrew Lloyd Webber, Phantom needs no sequel and now you give me to give birth to some little boy that I'm gonna end up dying for because I am a wimp and AHHHH!!" Christine was muttering, with streams of sweat, and ending every sentence with a scream.

So as she was pushing and pushing, Erik was walking and suddenly overwhelmed with the idea he had a wife and now a child. He began looking at his extensive Punnett Squares that he created; for there had to be no way he would look like him, right? As for Christine, what a baby she was! Madame Giry kept telling her to push, like how she told her ballerinas to keep on dancing. Finally, a little head was popping out of her privates and Erik went: "Whoa, that's where we connected magically!"

Gasping for air, Christine kept shooting glares at Erik. Raoul suddenly entered the room with a bottle of beer and chewing on a hot dog, listening to Tik Tok on full blast on his iPod.

"It's Raoul!" Everyone let out at the same time, except for Christine who blushed both because she was already tired of hours passing and her short attention span didn't allow much or Raoul made no signs that Christine's most private parts were facing him.

"God, haven't I gone through enough pain already. When my father died…" Christine's eyes brimmed with tears and Meg rolled her eyes, telling her to shut up.

Raoul's voice was sneeringly annoying after he took a bite of his hot dog as he interrupted Christine's complains on her life.

"And I had to fall in love with the deformed psychopath who everyone falls for because of all those actors but no one realizes his---- "

"Good evening, fellow Phantom of the Opera copyrighted characters; I have come here to tell you people that I realized something. I had a sort of an epiphany, you see, and I realized that I am too good to stay in this series. French authors have this tendency of describing hot guys having girlish complexions but Enjolras died a noble and what to do I get? No matter how awesome I was in the book as the Prince Charming and in the musicals as this loving husband, what do I get in all the sequels? Well, almost all the time, I get a son I know is not mine but I love nonetheless, yet I am not allowed to have my own bloody children with the woman I sought for all my life. I had to jump into the sea to rescue a scarf you whined so ineffectually for, and yea, I know big words! What did Erik do but kidnap you several times and leave big threats? "Everyone was looking shocked as Christine was still in the process of giving birth, so he held up his palm, "Don't worry, I'm no Victor Hugo, I will get to the point now. Then, that isn't enough but my wife starts having a reformed affair with the man she supposedly hated by the end. And I have to end up drunk, ugly, and in debt. What was wrong with me? Christine, I mean, you are a chorus girl! I married you for love. I was just there, wanting something and I end up being punished. So now, I immortalize you. My new book, "The Collection of a Prince Charming" comes out on March 9th and I just came to give you an autographed copy. It is a tale of lost and lust, magically written, and makes women sympathize with this charming man who deserves more according to reviewers. So, screw ya guys, I'm goin' home!" And with that stated Raoul walked off happily and humming a song.

OH! Don't forget to donate to Haiti!" He added in, more of that chivalry coming in and he could already feel his official website gaining a total of two more visitors.

Back to business, Christine felt all the aspects of the pregnancy books she could understand come true, she felt her body being torn and pulled as something started popping.

"I see its head!" Erik started towards Madame Giry with eyes wide open. Christine could only see her legs and reminded herself she needed a shave soon.

"My love, just a few more pushes and we're there!" Erik wandered around and Christine violently grabbed at Erik's wig.

" If you say that one more time, Erik…" She trailed off, wishing that she could complain more about her life instead of living through the birthing process. Tears blurred her vision and seeing Erik, she realized that this child would have a father, at his or her side. Always, and loving the child to an extreme. She realized that she would die for this little piece of Erik and herself. Letting out a last gasp of air, a strong wail was heard. The crying child was cleaned, and Erik wished he could hold it up over the Opera House, not like Michael Jackson but like that baboon in Lion King did with the newborn lion. He also wished he could have a cool Jamaican accent.

Erik cut the cord as Christine's eyes closed and she fell asleep. And his eyes trailed down, for he could not help it. Everyone always checks down there first, huh?

The child was a boy! It was a handsome, little boy with no deformities. And it was so perfect he felt like a god that just carved the most beautiful angel. It began to wail, its lungs strong and musical. The little cherub opened his eyes and reached for his mask. Erik pulled back, not ready for this. His eyes were the same color as Erik's, hair was a curly brown. Other than that, the naked child was still fidgeting with its chubby fingers. It was as if he was playing the piano. Christine's voice weakly rang out and Erik made a note to scold her for screaming and possibly ruining her voice. Firmin was in the corner coloring the My Little Pony coloring book that Erik let him borrow when he would not stop whining. Meg was reading the autographed book with a smirk and thinking of how everyone had treated her throughout everything. Madame Giry was being all motherly. Erik walked toward his wife, carrying the baby like it was his own opera.

"It is a boy," Erik muttered, as Christine smiled tiredly. She knew.

"Can I hold it?" She questioned, eyes lingering on her newborn child.

"Can you?" Erik possessively held on to it.

"Hand me the baby," Christine demanded, holding out her arms. Reluctantly, Erik's arms felt empty and his heart cold,.

"Support the head!" Erik sadly added, cautious and listing out random information, such as :" Blue eyes are a mutation of brown eyes!"

She began to coo to the boy who pulled on the Mama's hair maliciously. It entered a range of sleeping again after wailing loudly.

Christine's hands ran over its small and fragile body, it was tiny considering how his parents were and being prematurely born.

"I changed my mind. He is not a Gustave." She looked at her husband, before pulling out a baby book. "I done some thinking and realized that Gustave should be respected as my lovely Papa. So, how 'bout Antonio? Did I ever mention how hot Antonio Banderas was?"

"No!" Erik sighed, names like Gabriel and Christine Jr. running through his head.

"You're right, it simply will not work and he's going to end up looking like a cholo," Christine suddenly laughed.

"Chanson Christophe Lerato Destler," He breathed out articulating on each syllable.

"That's beautiful," Christine took a glance at the baby before kissing her husband, "My song, my music. Oh Erik! It is perfect!"

Holding on the baby's little hand and wrapping his other arm around his wife, they sat there, hearing Madame Giry telling them that she was not going to wash the bed sheets and Meg stating how she was "changed" It was a perfect moment for the family, no bad humor holding them at humility and they realized that Raoul's rant applied little to them. This was their moment. Cheesily enough, the audience awed and the author realized that this was not the right mood to end her story and now sets forth to come up with the perfect one sentence ending. It was this. To realize this was not just a regular Wednesday but the birth of a child who would inevitably change both of them was overwhelming to them and they realized love would truly never die. HA!

**K...Worked hard to make some lady giving birth funny! I hope you liked it! Anyways...this was a production of Cheerios and the next chapter of first time woes and crazy stuff will be written by SPOT!!!! The name was already planned like in September! Haha...We DO put thought in this! SO thanks for reading and even getting this far, reviews would be nice and erm...yep. Happy late Chinese New Years ,Valentine's Day, and President's Day! **

**PS the baby wants some attention so Review for the sake of baby Chanson!**


	17. Awwww!

**Dudes…I haven't started writing this chapter and I already know it's gonna be late. I was distracted. Sorry. No, I really am! Well, enjoy! Postscript: there is a slight time warp**

_AWWWW!!_

Erik stared at his pride and his joy. And if you're stupid enough to think it's his opera or Christine… you're right! Opera is his pride and Christine is his joy. But his pride _and_ joy? Whom he wasn't just staring at, but feasting his eyes on the complete beauty that it was?!?! Those two words solely joined by italicized word belonged to……………….Chanson Christophe Lerato Destler!!!!!!!!!!! Woo! Round of applause! And Erik began to do just that when….

"Can you smell him for me?" Christine stuck Chanson's butt into Erik's face, "Did he go? Poo or pee?" Erik took a whiff and sure enough little Chansie-wansie made a little present in his pants! And Christine said just that. But of course it was Erik's turn to change the diaper of the song of his soul and proceeded to take little 14 week old Chanson from his mother who said "I just have to go dust my cell phone charm collection! It will only take a minute, and then I'll start cooking dinner, OK darling? Would you like lasagna or chili?"

"Um, what is 'chili'?" Erik bounced little Chanson in his arms, "And lasagna? I do not think I have heard of those two dishes."

"GASP!! How could you _not_!? Oh", Christine gave Erik a proud little smirk, "You didn't read those _parenting_ books Madame Giry got us. It has _a lot_ of _great_ information on how to raise our little _melody_ perfectly. Well, one of those parenting books had a _bunch _of _quick_ recipes so that I have _more_ time to spend with _my_ family."

Chanson, who really was quite intelligent at his very young age **(Like father, like son!)**, made a cute little frown at his mother's overuse of stressed words. His father's frown on the other hand was not quite as cute **(though there are some who would disagree...). **"Parenting books!", he roared, "No picture-filled stack of papers is going to teach _ME_ how to raise mah son! I am a genius! I don't need help! Not even a cedar, a red head, a daughter of Athena, or a frizzy haired witch! Who do you think wakes up to take care of the baby at night?!"

"Well that's only because you only need like, three hours of sleep every night."

"Actually, I only need one." He said smugly.

"Whatever! You go change his diaper; I'm going to make dinner." Christine pranced off, her hair flowing behind her like Athena's in that terrible movie that came out a while ago. The two male Destlers watched her go with a quizzical expression and they too pranced away; Erik prancing, Chanson bouncing up and down in his arms.

Erik entered his son's room, admiringly again his decorating expertise. The walls were a deep, dark green (where there wasn't crayon drawings) and the floor covered with soft, dark grey carpet (which hid stains quite efficiently). There was an ornate rocking chair in one corner, and the corner opposite was littered with every toy imaginable. Erik even managed to get a Tickle Me Elmo. The wooden crib was in the middle of the room, like a piece of art, and indeed it was. Beautifully carved and luminous, it could _almost_ be compared to the beauty that slept in it. A piece of yarn was stretched across the crib, and tied on it were several little bells tied on it.

Erik went toward the baby changing station and laid Chanson gently down upon the table. Erik opened one of the huge drawers and chose a pair of Ninja Turtle diapers. They were his favorite; the turtles wore masks! And he was never going to put on those Disney princess diapers Christine picked out, but then of course she did get those when she was sure Chanson was gonna be a girl. Chanson squirmed on the changing table, knowing what was coming.

"Time to changer your diampy-wampy!" Erik was free to act like an idiot as much as he wanted when Christine wasn't around,"Now your gonna be a good little boy right?" Erik at the moment was starting to sound like Michael Crawford when he cooed. Chanson swallowed his cute little pride and let his dad wipe his ass with a wet cloth and put on a fresh Ninja Turtle diaper. Erik held his son up, inspecting him. He was sure that _something_ had to be wrong with his son. The perfectness was far to strange. And sometimes he felt that Chanson loved Christine more (because Chanson must think his face was ugly)than he did and became horribly jealous, but then his precious son would smile at his disfigured face and make him feel better. Erik, done reassuring himself of his son's love, brought Chanson close to him and began to sing!

**Wild Thing****(****listen to the song!** **.com/watch?v=4qHX493bB3U )**

Wild thing...you make my heart sing...  
You make everything  
Groovy  
I said wild thing...

Wild thing, I think I love you  
But I wanna know for sure  
Come on, hold me tight  
I love you

Wild thing...you make my heart sing...  
You make everything  
Groovy  
I said wild thing...

Wild thing, I think you move me  
But I wanna know for sure  
So come on, hold me tight  
You move me

"Goo!"Chanson cried happily.

"How dare you say cliché baby talk!" Erik smiled at his son, "Now let s go and make sure mother hasn't burned dinner. Not that you'll be eating it anyways." Erik grabbed a bottle of Gerber's on the way out of the room.

As they approached the kitchen, they heard Christine humming a happy little tune. When she saw them, she exploded. Into song.

**Skinnamarink**** (from the Elephant Show)**

Skinnamarink e-dink e-dink  
Skinnamarink e-doo  
I love you.

Skinnamarink e-dink e-dink  
Skinnamarink e-doo  
I love you.

I love you in the morning  
and in the afternoon.  
I love you in the evening  
underneath the moon.

Skinnamarink e-dink e-dink  
Skinnamarink e-doo  
I love you.

I love you in the morning  
and in the afternoon.  
I love you in the evening  
underneath the moon.

Oh, Skinnamarink e-dink e-dink  
Skinnamarink e-doo  
I love you.  
I do.

After Erik stopped laughing at her song choice, they all hugged and had one of those gag-inducing family moments. The auhor was feling quite irritated at this point with all of them for not being as funny as she wished they were and decided to end this chapter with a few words: THE LIGHTNING THEIF fill in the blank!!!!

**Oh gah! I really hate this chapter. I tried to make it has funnily mushy and gushy as possible. Ah me… By the way, I'm Spot. Didn't you just LOVE Cheerio's chappie? I did. **

**Also, any ideas for a Chanson room makeover, because Erik wants (needs) your help! So push that Review button and drop some ideas…and maybe a comment about the story?**

**Next chapter will have an even bigger time warp. Not too big I think.**


	18. Love and Marriage!

"Papa! Papa!" Erik sat up from the water bed he was on to see two little pain and panic running towards him. He brushed off the chip crumbs off one of his should be fashion line ruffled white shirts. Yes, two. Time goes by so quickly when one becomes a parent. On Chanson's hell of a first birthday, Christine announced she was pregnant again. And now rushing toward him were the results of deciding to settle down. He groaned when both landed on his stomach, which was getting significantly rounder now. Ah well, not his fault, he actually can start looking like he isn't anorexic.

"Did you know, papa that Halloween is in just two more days?" Chanson's vibrant voice was adorable to hear.

"Oh, yes, Dada! Hawoween!" His daughter nodded and nodded, her blond hair waving around her chubby and also perfect face. She was just very inquisitive.

"Oh, Father, I want a mask like yours! Maybe leopard skin or big clowns mask!" Chanson rambled on until Erik placed both children down on actual cushioning instead of where several girls at the moment would like to be sitting.

"No son of mine shall put on such an embarrassing form of a cloak for holidays meant to disrupt people's minds!" Erik retorted as his two children looked at him, "Stupid ALW thinks I would resort to that again."

"Dada, what does disrupt mean?" And there went off question number 543 of the day.

"It is like bothering Father when he is watching his favorite show, dear child," He nudged his remote towards one of the giant plasmas on the lair wall.

"If you don't mind me asking, how do you possibly connect it to anything down below in the catacombs of the Populaire, Father? I thought Mama said we should not bother you when you are working on your new opera," Chanson breathed out.

"Bug off, I got writer's block!"Erik moaned as his daughter grabbed at sudden spider crawling around the house. Her name was Magdelena Dahlia Rose _Erique _(Christine insisted) Destler, by the way, but cause we are lazy we end up calling her Little Rose Whose Thorns Are As Mighty As Her Heart. Never mind, Erik preciously called her Ma Fleur, while her brother called her Pizza Face which pissed Erik off cause he knows what that means, and Christine was the only one who softly took her by her name. Of course Chanson questioned why her nickname would be French when they all supposedly spoke French in the first place.

"Woo! Commercial over! Remind Daddy to get one of those Pillow Buddies things!" He turned his attention back.

"Daddy, but we are bored because little Butt----Lena doesn't want to go build catapults with me!" Chanson ranted, crossing his arms, "And Maman promised we could if I cleaned up after!"

"Too bad, where's your mother anyway?" Erik absentmindedly listened as he looked at his collection of Obama souvenirs and collectibles and hoped Christine was secretly throwing them away like she did with all his Chia Pets. He then recalled his Beauty was underneath and pushed his hands down his pants. AH, SHUCKS! He was acting like that balding man on that show with that talking dog and annoying neighbor with a rhyming name! He even had a wife with the overrated curly hair, damn it. I guess he was married with children… So he decided to screw all this. He would show the world he was a star! So he picked up his phone and soon……..

Welcome to the Bachelor!

The announcer directed at Erik who had entered the room waving about as twelve lavish girls twirled at their hair.

"I'm Phantasma!" A random girl lurched forward and grabbed at Erik's face to give him a slobbery kiss.

"Aren't you married?!?" Another fan, no doubt a fierce Erik and Christine fanatic and probably a LND fan, shrieked.

Erik took a hold of the roses angrily, and rolled his eyes. This was the right show.

He then decided to sign up for Super Nanny!

As the camera panned to Christine and Erik, a voice narrated and showed the interior of Erik's secret residence. So the nanny asked a few questions and asked to watch for a day, to which Erik scoffed.

Everything went their normal ways, Erik went off to go online and try hard to compose, but let's face it, if you've already got an awesome musical, nothing can stop it and especially not anything based on an idiotic book.

Magdalena played like any kid her age would, she dressed up in her large girly room as Chanson tidily practiced his violin and piano, and then it was dinner time.

Christine served the plates around, as Erik grumpily made his way to the head f the table.

Chanson sat there, picking up his silver fork only when Christine served him some and as little Magdalena followed his mother everywhere and asked quite gently if Maman needed any help, and as Christine served Erik some peas, he groaned, complaining about how he hated vegetables and as when Chanson finished his food and asked for more with a please and thank you, Erik organized his food into edible and no way Jose am I gonna eat that and his edible was only the fine cheese. As he nibbled, Christine scolded him to finish his food as he whined and left the table moaning about food and went back to watch the Notebook. But a week passed with angry Erik and the nanny basically sat down the parents.

"I've got to say, your children are particularly well trained, it is in fact, you Mr. Destler that is misbehaving." She folded her arms as Erik stuttered.

"What the hell?????" Erik stood up, "At least I ain't mellow like the Benjamin Button Erik! "

"Yes, however, I've noted that you have been naughty---"  
"If you mean in bed with my wife, that's none of your beeswax, yes I know you saw the sex bot but that's not me-----"

"Erik!" Christine looked down as the nanny blushed but continued.

"I favor a vote! You have no right to criticize me in front of my children," Erik shook his head.

"What I'm saying is that, you have been whiney about much and spend your time in front of your phone or something. Last night you took your wife to see Aida and you spent most of it playing Tetris on your phone. What happened to our favorite Opera Ghost? You're worst than Lord Webber's new-------"

"Enough!!!! You insulted my people and compared with the world's largest phantom fan fiction, but this is, erm, ERIK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Erik, all I'm saying is that I missed the old you, the hot stalker when I was sixteen," Christine finally sighed, munching on some Hot Cheetos so that tears rolled down her eyes. "In the past five years I have been with you was amazing with everything I could have wanted, a credit card, two children, and the most important thing," she sighed, looking in his eyes, "I have girls who actually wish they were me now!!!! I'm a role model!!!!!" She smiled as she squeezed lemon over her Cheetos.

Erik sighed.

"What do you mean, I went on all those reality shows like Fear Factor and America's Next Top Model, I am social!" He complained, "I no longer just stay down below and hear Meg/Erik fanfic ideas boil on the internet; I feel like something will be wrong,"

"Aw, Erik, but we all love the old you," Christine patted her hand on her cheek.

"You don't understand. Then it won't be funny," Erik shook his head fearfully.

"I promise to be the old me! I proclaim a new me! _Memory, turn your face to the moonlight! Lalala!_" And they kissed as the sound effect dude clicked on awww…

"Erik, oh I know something's going to happen very soon!" She started dipping her Cheetos in sour cream.

"By the way, I'm going on Dancing with the Stars!" Erik winked, " I'm gonna show that no one needs to be some Octo mom to serve up on my fo sho dance moves!"

And as they sat there, time went by.

**hey sorry long time no see, I know Spot enjoyed it :) Yea, I had to study for a bunch of thingys and do a bunch of projects that still got a bad score...grrr.....K! Hope you likee! The next chapie will flashforward 10yrs!!!!!!!!!!! whoa!!!!!!!!!!!!**


	19. Dinner With Crabs

**Spot here. This is 10+ years after last chap. Two words: Enjoy!**

_Dinner with Crabs_

_Hmmm. I don't like this color very much on her. No, no. It's the dress, to conservative. Maybe if she would show just a bit more clea…. Nah, I don't want my daughter wearing a low cut dress! That's my sig. Haha, I thought sig instead on signature. Hehe. Oh my money-god-from-Manhattan! It's her first date! I remember my first date with Raoul on the roof while it was snowing .Especially since it was June! So romantic. Hmmm, at this rate, Magdalena should be engaged in a few days. But I was 17-20 at the time. Magdalena is only fifteen. A few more years then. I wonder what he looks like. Maybe he's mysterious and super smexy _**(what does smexy mean anyways?) **_like my fluffy-kins Erik. Maybe—_

_ "_MOM!"

"Huh?" Christine came out of her really random train of thought.

"_Mom_. Shut. Up. You're thinking aloud. I can't believe you like just called dad 'smexy'. Ohmagawd! Ewww!" Magdalena went back to fixing herself in front of the mirror. She scrutinized her reflection, looking for imperfections. There was none. She thanked the angels of music for getting all and only the good genes.

She had on one of her more conservative dresses (aka, the ones that Erik sees her in). She didn't like it very much, but she didn't want her parents (aka, Erik) to discover her Lindsey Lohan sized closet of much more daring clothing. Ah well.

Her first official awkward-meet-the-parents-then-escape-to-the-cliché-dinner-and-movie date. They are gonna go "see" Nightmare on Elm St. (re: make out in the corner of the theater).

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat! The heck are yooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuu DOOiiiing!?" Mags jumped at the melodic question of her 5 year old sister Prosper. Prosperina Allete Liliya was a pale blonde, her pin straight hair always falling onto her nearly albino face. Two dark eyes questioned the sanity of Magdalena and then moved to the face of her brother**, **Fausto. Twelve winters old Fausto Matias Gaston was the only one of Erik's children that resembled him in _every_ way. Yep, he's the lucky one. His dark yellow eyes went adoringly to Prosper, "You are a little sharp, birdie". He put Prosper down and looked at his big sis, "And yes Maggy, why _are_ you speaking in an omniscient point of view? It is already bad enough listening to your normal talk."

He sang that last part, so that the beauty of it made Magdalena forget it was an insult. Prosper giggled. "Wait. How didja get in my roo—"

"I'M HOME!" Chanson's super deep voice (it finally broke when he was 17. Beat that Justin!) was heard behind the door. "Oh wait", Chanson slammed the door open, "I'm Ho-o-ome!" he sang. The walls rumbled a bit.

"Hi honey! Have you seen Magdalena yet? Ain't she gorgeous!? Is that a crumpet?" Christine chirped from her post on Mags' bed.

"Yep. Your favorites mommy." Chanson tossed the crumpet to his mother and held up a bag of moving things, "And I bought crab, for dinner with Mags' beau".

"We weren't gonna stay for dinner" Maggy said helplessly.

"Splendid!" Christine took the bag o' crab, "I'll be getting these to your father so he can cook 'em." She went toward the door (that sort of was in pieces on the ground. Chanson strong! GRR!) when Erik appeared! Applause people! Confused by the clapping, Christine threw the crab at Erik. He caught it deftly "See. The video games worked. Cat like reflexes!", and did a pose from Cats.

The Destlers all broke into cheesy TV show laughter, except Erik, he was quite put out. The laughter ended in a happy silence when…

"Baby, baby, baby, oh! And like baby, baby, baby NO! And like baby, baby, baby…"  
"We really need to replace that doorbell" grumbled Fausto.

" I like it!" declared Prosper. Erik was singing along.

"It's him!" Maggy ran out of her room to fetch her bf.

The other followed suit (w/o running) and saw for the first time the guy Magdalena deemed worthy enough to date her. "Daddy, mom, others, I would like you to meet Alexandre. My boyfriend. "

Alexandre put out his hand. No one took it. "Nice to meet ya. I like almost got lost getting to your front door. Hehe."he ran his fingers to his suspiciously Raoul like hair.

They all went to the dining room, Erik uses to intimidate guests. The crab was put in the microwave and dinner was served! Christine grabbed one of the 'Stolen From Joe's Crabshack' crab crackers, "So, Alexandre, who are your parents?"

"Call me Drey, Mrs. D. And my parents are Raoul and Christine de Changy".

"THE HELL!!" Erik roared.

"Yeah, I'm that kid Christine an Raoul have in some phanfics that falls in love with whatever bastard Erik produced. Except usually I'm a girl. And your daughter is not illegitimate. This is a nice change."

"No son of Raoul will court my daughter!"

Drey's and Maggy's girlish complexions paled.

"Shut up hunky monkey" Christine scolded, "Let them be. We will not let our pride and prejudice get in their way. We don't want them killing themselves do we?

"No darling." Erik regretted making his wife read Romeo and Juliet. Nevertheless, Erik glared at Drey until Magdalena piped that they would be late to the movie. Magdalena lead Drey to the wall on which hung a large picture of a presumably naked Erik covered with a large cloth from the waist down. Maggy pressed the part of the painting where the crotch would be and smiled at her bf "I always hate doing this". And suddenly the couple was gone.

The Destlers looked down the trap door/seret exit and heard a moan. "You better not be getting it on down there!" Erik yelled, shaking a cane.

" Drey landed wrong dad! Come on, let's get out of here" There was a pattering of feet and an "ow!" and they were gone. The Destlers relaxed and went back to their normal selves. Prosperina wen to play Tetris, Christine looked for coins in the sofas, Chance locked himself in his room to study for his Calculus BC test (re: drool over dad's porn), Fausto tried to sneak into the library, and Erik prevented Fausto from sneaking into the big room of books.

"I need to give you a talk my boy!"

"Gulp" Erik dragged his son to the library and as Faust mused over the irony of that, Erik began. "Fausto, you are becoming a man. You will start noticing changes in yourself. But to get to the point, your penis will grow bigger and take over your mind."

"Um, dad."

"There will be an increasing urge to get a girl and make love to her. And since you are an exact replica of me, you are going to have problems with that. I had to pretend to be an angel to seduce you mother and it took her to finally take off my mask. You know, for besides making out. Do you understand son? You cannot be wearing your mask all the time just because you have no confidence! You can sing, you're mysterious, and you're rich. You're made of finer stuff than those pretty stupid Raoul boys!"

"Really dad? 'Stuff'?"

"Blame ALW. He has become as stupid as his face **(POWNED!)**."

"Ok father. I understand" and with the familiar flourish he took off his mask. No one fainted.

**OH. MY. GODDESS. I'm done. This was my last chapter for the story. Spot is done! Oh my. I know, I know, I was uber late in getting this out (you can shut up now Cheerios), but it's here now right?**

**So what you think? Was it "So EXCITING! It will run for 15 years!" or was it "Todo, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore"? And one more question: do you like my stories or Cheerios more? Come on. Be honest. We wanna know (I know you do Cheerios). I wish I could have added more, but Cheerios is holding a knife to my neck (jk!) and I gotta sleep. **

** Love you all,**

** Spot**


	20. The Last Laugh

"Really, what is all this fuss about? Only stupid people celebrate getting older," Erik looked around at his super decorated lair. Today was Erik's fiftieth birthday and also his sixty ninth (he snickered at that) and his thirtieth as well. He walked around his lair muttering about iced tea from England and putting on his receding hair wig from LND and how he looks like a poor old emo singer with cancer. Plopping down on the couch, Christine came in the room and took off her apron.

"Oh dear, I made pancakes just for you," Erik groaned. After almost twenty years of marriage, she was no better at cooking than his old cat.

"You really didn't have too," He sighed.

"But I wanted to for my birthday boy!" She quickly called the rest of the kids to eat.

"Fausto, would you please get the bowl of fruit?" She ushered her youngest son to the fruit bowl next to him. They were cut really weirdly but nonetheless, they all sat down the chairs with their regular excuses in mind.

"Daddy, _chi wo de gee gee!"_Prosperina chirped, as Erik turned his head close to an owl, and then turned to Chanson who snickered and mouthed something that looked like "suck my pickle and enjoy it," Using the five year old's sharp memory was fun. Erik took the fruit bowl from Fausto and patted him, "See what I told you?"

"Actually, Father, I have a question about…about that," Fausto trailed off, as Erik pulled him closer unto his lap like any father would.

"Go on, my son," He announced with much strain to his tenor-y voice trying to make it sound more like that Samuel Ramey dude who played that dude in Faust.

"When you and," He gulped, "when you and Mother do, you know, whoopee does your mask come off?"

"What?" Erik gasped, "Fausto, sex is not something you do when you aren't in love with that person enough, and it is something beautiful! Of course, your mother still doesn't like my face and that's why I still wear this flippin awesome mask and you too! You must look with your heart and see that beauty is not all but truly underneath, and besides, we do it on moonless nights where it's too dark to see a thing,"

"SHOULDA!" And suddenly a voice rang from above, "USED!" There was a loud pound before a scream, "!"

"Don't you get the same effect with closing all the lights?" Fausto furrowed his brow as Erik waved his cane up.

"Shut it, it sounds much cooler, and I love ditching her after it. It makes me feel powerful, cause she needs me for HAWT VIRGINAL SEX! And lucky Nadir who gets to have sex with forty something virgins in heaven…" He murmured, trailing off.

"I did forget, what was the plot of this whole story?" Fausto noted.

"The plot? Psh…there is no bloody plot but be thankful you were ever begot from my thighs! What's there to a plot?" Erik laughed off, quite uncertain, "Next time, maybe your mother would give _me_ the pickled crabs. I wanted pickled crab!"

MEANWHILE!

Christine was readying herself to be a hostess as Chanson elbowed his sister.

"Hey Maggie, look," He stuck his finger into the hole between the half eaten strawberry, "It sucked my pickle and liked it," And he started to chortle as Maggie looked the opposite way in disturbance, he sang"Oh, vagina, how I love you, I hope you don't become my breakfast and become an blue waffle. Dare you to look that up! Yeah, dead people!" He suddenly noticed the television.

"I like to swim with suicidal people," The girl on the news happily said as Chanson raised his eyebrows, closing one of the plasmas before finishing his food and going online to study for AP tests (really, he was going to online and check out photos of hot chicks.)

"Hey dad, what's the only wood that can't float?" Prosper excitedly let out, as Erik puffed on his See's Candy cigars.

"What?" He inquisitively looked at her.

"Natalie WOOD! My friend told me that one!" She laughed, rolling on the floor as Maggie rocked back and forth.

"Maggie!" Erik turned to his oldest daughter dutifully, "I think you should turn to cucumbers, they are better for your skin and smoother."

"Daddy! Gross!" She gasped, "What, you think I'm dumb or something? God, who told you guys I'm drawing penises in class?"

The conversation was stopped short when the doorbell rang.

"I'll get it!" All of them sang, in different octaves. However, Christine reached the door first.

"Mommy!" A little blond boy stood at the door.

"Erm, who are you?" Christine kneeled to his height as the boy started rambling on.

"You're so beautiful, so very beautiful!" He sang as Christine thought _Hell yeah, I'm freaking hot!_

"Dear, what is your name?" She gently continued.

"Gustave, mother," He walked in the house, "It's so beautiful, just like out of the 2004 movie! And those creepy stuffed animals from the Charles DANCE! Miniseries. It's beautiful!" And he wandered around as Christine wondered whose bad parents let their kid wander around, "YYYYYYYYYESSSSSSSSSSS!"

"Hey, I'm Erik!" Suddenly phangirls screamed as the light glistened off Ramin-Erik's teeth smiled, "I like sitting on my chair in my giant ass penthouse shining my guns," He flashed off his arm muscles, "Sorry about the kid, Christine, dear, he's my son and he's only TEN years old!" And he walked in, singing Jason Mraz and stroking his receding hair wig, "And totally, don't worry about it, man, just chill! I did that and I feel fabulous and I no longer feel like myself anymore!"

"Mo-om!" Maggie groaned, "Why'd you invite the Love Never Dies people?" Her eyes followed all ten plus Gustaves as they entered wondering why the heck they need so many Gustaves.

"I didn't! Why would I? Our story is so much better!" She clapped her hands together, "I mean, despite the fact I have four kids, live underground and haven't left the house since 1881, and never have to shop at all, why! My life is wonderful! Wonderful!" She hid her anti-aging cream.

"Don't worry, babe!" Erik smooched her, "You're timeless to me," And suddenly two shots were heard and Erik laid sputtering on the floor.

"He had it coming!" A voice appeared from the shadows, which was really everywhere, "Single? That was my freaking solo!"

"I—should ha-have never updated m-my fa-face bo-o-ok sta-tus," He gasped, as Meg Giry stepped out from the midst.

"HEY! That was my scarf," Christine reached to yank the red scarf as Meg held out the gun evilly and holding _Mein Kampf_ in the other hand, "I killed you once, and I'll do it again!"

Christine decided to step back as Meg got hauled away by some weird half bird woman thing.

"Wow, remind me why that thing ever came to existence?" Erik questioned, wiping imaginary creases off his suit, as everyone turned to Erik.

"Daddy! I thought you _died!" _Maggie rushed to her father's side, muttering something about accompanying her to homecoming.

"The Erik doesn't die, dur, everyone knows that," He patter her hair.

"Guess what! I'm trying out for American Idol since I'll turn sixteen before the next audition!" She squealed, and then remembered, she sang it. Erik could only gasp. He immediately remembered countless hours he spent and her screeching like Carlotta and he frustrated and getting a STOP ABUSING YOUR DAUGHTER! Page on facebook after posting his encounters on and now he didn't want the poor girl to sit through the truth.

"Are you sure?" He asked, glancing nervously at his wife.

"Yes, like, what, um, you don't think I can?" She bit her lip and then the door got knocked down and they turned to face….

Philippe de Chagny, Joseph Buquet, and Ubaldo Piangi all super pale, all eaten up, and undead!

"What the hell? I thought I killed you all!" He pulled out his taser gun.

"Yes, but you forgot, the rat catcher is the greatest freaking dude ever!" They chanted monotonously and bit down on poisonous mushrooms before bursting into flames as a curly haired red head walked in with a blond, angelic looking boy holding sticks followed by some Jewish vampire and some other random people.

"Dad, you invited the weirdest people ever," Chanson flipped his better than Justin Bieber hair to the side, as the guests piled in such as random redheads, a green ogre, nine foot tall blue people, and a mysterious Zac Efron lookalike wearing tights and a cat mask making a fool of himself singing Masquerade. Some girl wandered around, accusing every middle aged man to be her father and complaining about her slutty mom.

But then his eyes followed a girl with curly, shoulder length brown hair and a heart shaped face with brown eyes. Erik looked at his son wondering what's with all these typical girls. Music blared and all Erik knew about Bollywood films was Jai Ho! At the end of a supposedly tragic film.

"She's purty," Chanson sang softly, walking toward her.

"What's your name?" He took her hand as she looked at him in confusion and muttering out, "Henry,"

"Your name's uh, Henry? Well, I like beans with ketchup, I mean! Oh shit, I'm Chanson Destler," He smiled weakly at her.

"Call me Diana Holland," She smiled innocently, "And I prefer hot guys with forbidden love and _ADVENTURE_," she fogged up the windows with her breathing.

"Dude, My name's Henry!" A naked man ran around the lair but Chanson shook his head as he addressed her again.

"Hey sexy bitch, wanna go make out?" He grinned as she nodded, following him off to a corner.

More guests piled in as Erik sneaked next to his wife, who was disapprovingly eyeing people as keeping her eyes on guests. And a random face popped between them.

"Hi! I'm Christian!" He grinned, humming the Macarena, "I'm a journalist, can I ask you a few questions?"

"Scullion! Away from my house and don't you dare bringing the sins of the Moulin Rouge into thy house!" Erik pounded before adjusting his birthday boy pin and crown.

"No, no, no! I mean no harm, WE SHOULD BE LOVASSSSSS!" He broke out singing randomly, because he was and on the side note, mentioned, "And I have machine guns stored in the Argentinean's room."

"That's fine, then, anything to help the smexy Ewan McGregor," Christine batted her eyelashes.

"Ok, how do you feel about your life compared to the other sequels?" He began.

"I mean, need I say more? Why the h-e-double hockey sticks is a sequel needed and will we ever see Erik as he is now? Well, it's definitely a change and not that of a surprise, I mean, we are a family with beautiful kids, slacking husband, but life is fine. OF course, no abusive Raouls, and crazy Girys, I think our life is SPECTACULAR, SPECTACULAR!" Christine said.

"Speaking of Raoul, I'm here!" Raoul walked in flipping his luxuriant blond hair.

"Anyways, I just have so much to say and Christine was—I mean-she-we-it's just she took me and shook me hard, man, I –er- "

"Need sex?" Christian added as they high fived for twinsie ness.

As the hours passed, dinner was about to be served as Spoiler Dan walks in:

-George kills Lenny

-George does not fall in love with Curley's Wife

-Either Crystal or Lee's going to win America Idol tonight, if anyone gives a damn

-Dumbledore's gay!

-Romeo and Juliet dies

-Who the hell is Gandolf?

-Rob Pattinson dies in that movie

-Clary and Jace are never really related (PSH...ONLY SO THEY CAN GET TOGETHER IN THE END!)

-Darth Vader is Luke's father

-Jack dies and the Titanic crashes into an iceberg

"ASSHOLE! GET OFF THE FRICKIN' STAGE!" Someone booed as meatballs flew like crazy.

"Sigh, I just can't make this funny, I'm so sad it has to end, you know, but every GOOD story has to end, and sometimes not for the better," Erik sniffled.

At this, Fantine decided to flip the covers off and cough as Christian started crying and singing about TB.

"One song glory,"

"Oh boohoo! This is not supposed to end like this!" Some Indian proclaimed as the audiences danced to something Bollywood.

"I just wanted to say-

"Hi, you guys!" A boy holding a Titanic model and popping out of a Knott's berry farm trashcan greeted the perplexed audience, "I'm Luis!"

"Ok, anyways, back to me, and I just wanted to wish you guys the best and for me to turn fifty to huge, and thepast few years have been great and I thank the authoresses for this. Christine-you're such an adorable little nurse and that's hot, man. Chanson- my oldest and perfect son, you the best! Magdalena- Take it easy and be sure not to bump into any more clear windows, you've lost enough brain cells and not to mention vocal cords. Fausto-embrace your destiny and learn to be the hottest you can be, you are loved. And Prosperina- I'm ten times older than you but you are my little princess. As for me? I'm the awesomest!" And everyone cheered for Erik and everything dissolved into darkness.

"Erik? Hello?" A delicate hand waved in front of her as Erik went back to see Christine racing after him, her dress wet and she panting. As for him, he says dry even when wet.

"What?" He blankly stared.

"Did you hear me? I love you! I loved you all this time!" Christine squealed, "_So say you'll share with me-"_

"Woah, woah, woah!" Erik sputtered, "What is this? Some musical turned soap opera? Christine, I'm not ready for anything! I just wanted to get laid!"

Side note: how do those soap operas last so long?

"WHAT?" Christine shrieked, as Raoul finally caught up.

"Honey! We were going to dress up and take family photos and how dare you try to escape me like I'm some alcoholic or something?" He proclaimed.

Erik could only helplessly smile as he left the bickering couple. What could be worse than Phantom of Manhattan? Everything.

**AN: It's been loads of fun to write this together with Spot even though she didn't much enjoy writing and take a breather now! Laughing is healthy so we hope this story has brought you a many of laughs and voicing our humor with you though small of an audience. School is almost over and we're gonna be SOPHOMORES! So thanks for reading and all and tell us what you thoughtJ. Enjoy your holidays and see ya all very soon! **


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